Yesterday I ate and ate and ate. Today I fast. I feel like a huge cow. Hopefully my metabolism will cooperate and lose.


I have to go to a birthday party tonight. Salad only. Right now I'm going to work out. I have major anxiety about looking good at this party, even though I won't, because I never do, because I'm fat.


I hate myself.

I'm not gonna lie... I hate myself.

I purged the other night. 2nd time. I'm gonna fuck my vocal chords up so bad I will never ever be able to sing. But you can't be fat and be an opera singer anymore. At least I can't.

I'm scared. I've gotta stop purging. I've gotta stop eating. I gotta lose weight. I HAVE TO!!! I can't even explain to you...

I feel so much sadness about singing and grad school and next year. It feels like my dream is dying. I love being a teacher. But everything pales in comparison to what I feel to have lost. I don't even know what I want, what I expect, but it feels like I am average and I have failed and that door is closed to me forever. Am I wasting time, wasting myself, wasting my voice away? Is there still a chance that someday I will get to perform? And if there is, I shouldn't waste one minute of now, of this summer. I should be practicing, but instead I lay around and brood. Because I don't know the answers to those questions.

I worked my ass off in college to do the thing I wanted most. And it didn't work. At least not for now. I feel horrible.

***

A couple of my friends talked me through it...  I'm feeling a little better.

Still fat though. More on that another time.

Went and worked out for over an hour. Pb burned 600 cals I think?

Came home and weighed... I think I had been dehydrated, and I drank water throughout the workout, so I was 160.6. Pb influenced by the water.

I was gonna eat just a couple boiled egg whites and be done. Nope. Beef stew. A little chicken and rice. And an egg. Shit.

No eating the rest of the day. Had already taken half an exlax...

And I will pb make myself run at least a little tonight. I'm a fat ass. And I MUST get this weight off!!!

I probably would have been 159 today. Last night I weighed 160.8. Then I went to my friend's house and they had all this food because they had several people over. I had already committed to staying the night because of some drama at my apartment.

I get really bad heartburn if I am fasting or hardcore restricting, pb cause I drink too much coffee :( So I eat antacids, and if I still have pain I'll have a couple crackers or a low cal piece of bread or something.

I asked for a cracker. They gave me pizza. I ate two pieces. They didn't make me eat it, but I was weak. Then I wanted some chocolate since I had screwed it up, and they obliged. I'm sure I ate 1200 cals. Isn't pizza like 400 cals a slice or something? And then chocolate?

Well, I just weighed. I don't know how the HELL I still lost. I'm 160.0. All I feel is fat. I'm going to the gym.

What the hell??

I got up an hour before I was supposed to, weighed- 161.6.

Got up and weighed right before leaving for work- 162.0.

Had some coffee and one piece of 35 cal bread. Just weighed. 160.4.

I don't know how or why. But I want to be in the 150's worse than ever. And this time I do NOT want to yo-yo back up.

Sorry. In my last post I meant to say that my Ultimate Goal is 100, with 140 being what I wanna weigh before Colorado.

Tonight after my run I was 161.6. I am gonna drink a bunch of water tonight and see if I can shift some of my water weight. Dehydration actually makes you retain as much as possible until your body gets enough... So if I drink enough, I shouldn't have this problem. I ate more than I wanted today. I think I ate 650 which isn't bad, but I'd so love to just run on nothing. I want to be EMPTY.

I'm desperate to lose, to be in the 150's as soon as possible, but I'm worried my body will rebel and I will stay fat. I'm afraid...

I'm gonna drink a ton of water and go to freaking bed. Hope I'm lighter tomorrow. *crossies*

162.4 this morning. Gained 0.2 from last night. I don't know how that's possible, unless its all just water weight shifting. Whatever, I'm not gonna think about it.

I'm really afraid I'm gonna get to July when I move and I'm not gonna be 140. That's my goal. Its three months away. I am afraid I'm gonna still be grappling with the 150's. Its been such an uphill struggle since I lost the first 20 lbs. They came off in a month's time and I've been struggling ever since. Oh, I also may see my Dad in July, he's coming from Puerto Rico to the states for vacation, so he was gonna try to make it here... My Dad always has something to say about my weight.

I just need to lose 20 lbs in three months. Obviously I will want to lose more... my ultimate goal is 140, but before I leave for my new home...

Well,  just weighed at 162.2. I ran for about 25 mins tonight and it was so difficult because I've only run once since I got back from Ohio, and it was only a half a mile. I was with a friend and she was getting sick so I didn't want her to push herself too bad. Long story.

I would have had an amazing day calorie wise but I had a rehearsal about 30 min away, and my teacher happens to sing in the same group, so me and a friend carpooled with her. She wanted to take us to Thai food. I tried to resist eating, not hungry, etc, but they made me feel ultra weird... And my teacher is awesome and she pb just wanted to treat me.

I really, really wanna lose. Badly. I need to start carrying my antacids around with me to help with stomach and hunger pains. I will be so happy when I finally get into the 150's. But I still have a looong way to go before I am not disgustingly fat.

Guys, I have a confession. I purged last night. I haven't purged in a very very very long time, and I don't like to do it, and I know it will mess up my voice. I will be nobody if I can't sing. I don't know who I am when I can't sing... its weaved into who I am. I just lost control and had a relatively small binge on leftover lasagna, but I just couldn't handle it anymore so I purged. It def snapped me back into restricting today except for the whole Thai food thing...

Anyways, I'm super hoping to be 161 in the morn. Wish me luck. Love you all.

So today I had some screw ups, but considering how I've been doing, it wasn't a fail. The important thing, I always feel, is that I go to bed hungry. I didn't get to run because the weather is very very bad right now. The blessed moment I go out there it will start to rain. Just my luck. So I guess no running tonight :(

I had a moment tonight at work, after scarfing down a salad, where I decided that I was a greedy fat kid and that I didn't deserve to eat. Its true. I want to fast because when I start eating I just screw it all up. If I never start, its a lot easier. But I'm always so afraid of making my metabolism slow. So sooo afraid of that. Because basically, it works for me to only eat right before I exercise. Mentally that works. But that's how I got myself locked into the same weight for a week without a budge.

I need a fresh start. I'm gonna go weigh myself and see the moment of truth.

166.4. It doesn't really count because its night and I've eaten today, but that gives you an idea that I've gained at least some. My weigh was holding pretty steady at 163.8 for that one week, and then I already told you what it was the other day.

The new plan is to get into the 150's asap. I anticipate that I'll wake up 165 tomorrow morning. When I first started I was working out first thing in the morning and only eating about 300-400 cals a day. Walking in the morning was really, really good for me. That's what I need to start doing. It was working. I know I can do this.

I am a greedy fat kid who doesn't deserve to eat. And I know I can be amazing, I just have to starve the fat kid. I will do this!

2nd post within an hour...


I really want to show myself how in control I can be today, and this week. I am in control of myself. Of my eating. Not anything else, and that's ok. But my eating, my body? YES. And I will be today.

It seems life is crazy for all of us... It is the end of April after all. April and May are by nature just a very busy time of year with exams, school programs, field trips, picnics, etc etc etc. I notice a lot of you aren't posting/commenting or apologizing constantly and profusely for not doing these things much. I guess I must do the same, because I've been sucking.

I just can't stop eating.


Its like the floodgates opened. I'm working on regaining control of my mind though. Part of it is that my roommate has a lot of junk in the house right now because one of her friends had a bday party that she threw.

Nothing matters but being skinny. I've gained. I will keep gaining if I dont put a stop to this. Nothing matters but being skinny. NOTHING. Because everything else is attached to it. I will continue to be a fatass forever if I don't fix this. I saw some embarrassing pictures of myself from this week when I accepted my award. Gross.

I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. And I want to be thin. So there's no option but to Control.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this. I've been a little off this week. Lots going on, but not really any motivation towards anything. I received an academic honors award through my dept. Since I graduated in Dec, it was a little weird, but they only do them by academic year right before May graduation. They hold an honors chapel to let all honors students be recognized and certain people get to speak and a couple get to perform. They asked me to sing of course. And then the award presentation was later in the afternoon. I received the Vocal Performance Award. Which of course, even though I was Music Ed, is the award I wanted. My teacher got to present the award and she said soooo many wonderful things about me. It was awesome. And I tripped over myself going up the stairs to the stage and coming back down. That was awesome too (not).

Since the one time a couple of weeks ago I haven't been able to get back down to 160. My weight has floundered around but hasn't really budged overall. For almost a week, even though I was doing everything right and running I wasn't losing. And then I got really busy and went out of town and ate sooo much and really still didn't gain. Not considerably.

I've been back for 2 full days and tried to restrict and both days I ended up just eating and eating. And I've only gained 0.4 lbs back. Really weird, but I'm grateful. Now I'm just trying to find the psychological motivation to start really doing this again. I know I could bust the 150's and this plateau if I set my mind to it.

Dear Lovies,

I'm BACK!! I weighed this morning on my friend's mother's scale before I left, and it seems I haven't really gained since Friday, which is funny because I've been eating normally since then. Today I ate ALOT. But I'm not thinking about it. Tomorrow I go back to hardcore restriction and running running running like there is no tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to it. Tonight I'm very tired from driving all day!

Lunch with my friend on Friday (the one I was freaking about) went well. I felt pretty, but upon inspection of a couple pictures, looked fat. Oh well, what can I do? Just keep working at it. I really think my metabolism had gotten really complacent and not running/eating for several days will kick it back into high gear I hope. I don't really know what else to do... So now the eating is done again. I'm looking forward to being skinny, and I WILL BE SKINNY! Mark my words. Even if it takes me longer than I'd like. My bff in Ohio raved about how thin I was looking, and her mom said something about it too... but they haven't seen skinny outta me yet!

Back to my friend from Friday's lunch, I know I had mentioned before that he was my counselor awhile back. He is someone I am so so fond of. He kept telling me how proud he was of me, and I think he is so sweet for that. I really have strange feelings for him, because I'm not in love with him, and yet I wish I could be closer to him without it being so improper. Does that make sense? Its hard. I have been emailing back and forth with him in the two years since he stopped being my counselor, but now I know its time to take a step back. I will email him once every few months, but I need to let it go. He has been so dear and precious to me, and I'm not letting the relationship go completely, but I am letting it breathe and letting more time go in between contact. Its just sad... I wish he was my Dad or something. He's so sweet and wonderful.

So many chapters in my life are closing. I am really scared about moving to Colorado, but hopeful that something wonderful is gonna happen. It just has to. The fat chapter of my life is closing, too. I'm gonna be skinny! I am. I'm sorry I've been sucking at keeping you guys updated this week and last week. Food abounded, and so did busyness. But maybe now I can get back on track.

Love you all!

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I've been sucking at posting... I'm going to see my bff a few states away this weekend so I won't be posting, but hopefully I'll get to catch up with you/ catch you up on me soon. Thanks so much for the sweet comments-- you guys are so wonderful!

Love you all! Stay skinny (because I won't while I'm busy visiting for the weekend :{ ) !!

Freak Out

 First off, I apologize to Sottile because you totally tagged me and I suck and haven't had the chance to answer questions yet :( but I'm having a major freak out and need to write about it.

Lots of sleepless nights and wasted days I've been having. Anxiety about so many things. The one thing that sucks about being graduated is that I have way too much extra time on my hands to worry about things I either can't do anything about or am procrastinating. Ugh. Even with four part time jobs, believe it or not I still don't have enough to do. I am used to never having time for anything. And now I have so much time. You'd think it'd be time I could use to get skinny. But no. I work out. I run. I restrict. And still the scale gives me an unfavorable (and might I add, DISGUSTING) number.

My friend, the counselor one that I talked about a few posts ago? We're having lunch on Friday. Not just me and him so it won't be awkward-- we're including another female psychology prof that we both happen to know and like. His idea and a wise one. Solves the problem of appearances, eases some of the problem of lull in the conversation, eases awkwardness and any tension. He didn't say that but I know its the reason.

Anyways, I'm freaking out. Freaking. Out. Wigging. Out. Totally. I am too fat. And he's a man. And it doesn't matter that I'm not trying to lure him into bed. He's a man. And therefore I am not good enough to look at. Not good enough to look at or be friends with or be seen with or be an adoptive daughter of sorts (which he has said I am before)... Not good enough. Not thin enough. Too fat. Not good enough.

And you know... I know that weight loss is just gonna have to be slow and steady if I would like to stay alive and function. And I could be okay with that, sort of, as much as possible. But I don't have anything to wear. I don't look good in anything, even after having lost 30 lbs. Not enough. Not thin enough. Why can't I just be a little bit pretty? Just for one day? Need a smaller waist. For one day.

But no. I'm a fat cow. And men can't be bothered with me and my disgusting mediocrity that hangs in bags and rolls around my body. Please just approve of me. Tell me I'm good enough. Please. PLEASE. I need that from my father so desperately. I need that from this man since my father won't give that to me. I need it from a man who's gonna love me and marry me and not leave me for someone else. I'm so screwed up. Men give me so much anxiety. So much. They make me sad... they are the root of all my problems, all my deep seated pains and hurts.

Just let me be good enough for one day. PLEASE.

Dear friends...  will catch up on your lives soon. Experiencing the drunkenness I've been desiring for about a week. I feel great! Love you all for your comments! You are the greatest. I love you.

BTW, Charlie K, I'm having major problems commenting you :( I've tried various times and there's something wrong w/ your comment box and so we can't do the word verification thingy. You might wanna go in settings and change the format of the comment box or something...

Who am I and what am I doing? Believe me when I tell you that I'm not entirely sure. Strike that. Not sure AT ALL.

Woke up at 164.0. Last night I was 163.8. After running. I've been eating next to nothing and running and still hovering at this number. Except for a couple days ago when I binged... I just don't know what to do. How is it possible that this number keeps going up?!?

New strategy today. Eat lightly, but eat breakfast and lunch. I haven't been. I think my metabolism is refusing me because when I finally do eat, its right before my run.

So frustrating. And still don't know who I am about this grad school stuff/ singing and otherwise...

Addendum/Clarification to the previous

I just have to clarify that I'm venting right now because I'm sad. I don't know how any of you feel about God, or if it weirds you out that I talk about him. But I have to tell you that even despite all of my issues, He has always been so good to me.

I rant and rave about how fat I am, how I can't understand why God made me this way, why I can't have what I want in life even though I've worked so hard. But even when I don't understand, I know that he is good. He has always taken care of me. I'm so screwed up. I know I am. This starving/ binging thing I do isn't the best. Self-deprecation, not really the most holy thing ever.

I'm all messed up. And so so soooo human. And I've ripped open my chest, and all of you are getting to see my raw, fleshy, wounded, bleeding but still beating heart. And even though I'm terrible and spoiled and selfish and such a brat, and even though I'm so confused about my life, and even though I'm sad...

and even though I'm not ready to stop starving myself to deal with my fat and and my problems...

God is still so good and so kind to me. And tender. And patient. And I hope maybe you can feel him being the same for you.

Sad

Today was emotionally a really hard day. I'm still in a horrible limbo about what to do with my life. I know I keep talking about it and I'm sorry if I'm boring you. This is my LIFE, my DREAMS and my whole existence that feels like its hanging in the balance.

I want to be an opera singer more than I've ever wanted anything. And I've worked really hard. And its not materializing the way I want it to. I want to control my destiny, but instead, patiently God directs my path. And I'm not loving where its going. It hurts to let go of the things you feel you should have, and just hope that maybe later you'll get what you need/want. God is confusing like that. Right now I just have to trust that maybe he loves me tenderly enough to want good things for me, and I just can't see the big picture. I feel like I will die if I can't sing.

Now all of this is a lot to deal with from someone that obviouly has control issues. When ever I feel like I lose control of my life, I lose control of food. Big time. Today I binged and I don't even want to talk about what I ate. Its done. Can't purge it. Can't do anything. All I can do now is starve on and hope to turn it around.

I feel lost and found at the same time. I know its all gonna be ok, but I can hardly contain my emotions right now. Honestly, on top of everything else, I can't understand why God didn't make me thin. I can work around it, I can make myself be thin (Just watch I WILL!!) but why do I have to struggle when other people just get what they want? Why does it have to be like that? Why is it fair?

Here is my beautiful, perfect friend for some real girl thinspo. I aspire to be as beautiful and perfect as she is.

I'm so sad. And so fat. I won't wallow in it though. I refuse to wallow. Instead, I will charge on with the gifts that I've been given. And I'll be good at teaching. I'll be a GREAT teacher. And I will STILL be good at singing and hope and pray that maybe I'll get the opportunities that I long for someday.

AND I WILL BE THIN!!! NOTHING WILL STOP ME.

Feel like a fat ass today. A big huge fat ass. Too too too much fat. Not nearly thin enough, not even close. Hate this weather. Sleepy. Don't wanna go to work. That's all.

Post about someone really special to me.

A friend of mine is coming into town. Someone really, really special to me. He is the very first counselor I ever had, started seeing him here at school and I saw him for a whole year. I fell in love with this man. Not in the erotic/sexual sense. He is just the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met in my entire life. He's everything my father isn't that I've always wanted him to be. And he's everything I want in a husband, if I can ever find one...

So basically, I saw him for a year through my university but he was in the Army Reserve, and they called him into active duty in another part of the US. He was supposed to come back after a year, when I graduated, but he didn't because the Army didn't let him. He was supposed to come back after the second year, but he can't again. Now I am graduated and moving to Colorado, when he is in DC. And when he finally does come back to work at my University, of course I'll be long gone.

The thing I must tell you about this man is that now that he's not my counselor, I have a really special mentor/father figure relationship with him. We have emailed back and forth for the two years since he's been gone and on several occasions he has expressed that he is equally fond of me. (Now don't get the wrong idea, he is married, has kids my age etc, and I would never cross that boundary. I just really really love him. Its so special.) I know that its really unusual to have outside and further contact with a counselor after treatment, so I take it as really special and a high compliment that he cared enough to keep returning my emails. In fact, when he left, he asked me to keep in touch with him to begin with. He's told me before that he sees a lot of  himself in me when he was my age.

So he's coming into town next weekend. I'm seeing him in like a week and a half. And of course I am pretty stressed about the fact that I am still fat. I want to lose as much as possible. I know its retarded, because like I said, there's nothing weird and romantic between us, I just have major anxiety issues about men in general and them approving of me as a person and that includes being thin.

Okay. That was definitely a run on. But you get it. I'm completely out of my mind. I just want men to love me and approve of me. Think I'm wonderful and beautiful. I don't want to use sex against them in any sort of inappropriate, manipulative way. I just want to be good enough. Not a disappointment like I always am to my father. And maybe if some of the men I know are satisfied that I'm okay and enough and a good girl and sweet and pretty... maybe someday I'll have a chance of a prayer of getting married to a wonderful man just like this one that I adore so much. I'm wounded in this way. I'm forever not enough, not good enough, not thin enough, and so I'm bleeding. And hoping maybe I can lose enough weight in a week and a half to have a good visit with him.

Screw up

Welp, I screwed it up. I only ate cucumbers and carrots the whole day, with coffee of course. Throughout the day my weight only went down half a pound. Tonight I was supposed to go running with this girl who is super hard core. I mean like big time distance runner. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up because I've been barely eating and felt kinda weak today.

In my stupidity and anxiety, I knew I would have to eat soon if I was even gonna try to keep up. So I ate a poptart because it was the most readily available. I was thinking that most poptarts are 250 cals per package. STUUUUPPPPIIIIIIDDDD. 400 cals. Big mistake number 1.

Mistake number two was that I was still feeling weak and hungry, so the logical thing was to go to Taco Bell with friends, OF COURSE. Already blew everything to crap, anyways. Turned out I didn't run with my friend, but I did run by myself. I had a pretty good run, and I am amazed that I can run further and further, and be less and less tired. I find right now that I can run much further in one stint (without walking in between) than I give myself credit for. I just haven't really gone for it yet. Probably mostly because I know that if I do it once, I will want to do it everytime. And that just isn't really practical, you know? You can't go for the gold every time, every freaking day because you will burn yourself out mentally, at least. That's one thing I've learned in all of my perfectionism and depression and anxiety and all the other things I've struggled with while in college. So I do my best and my best keeps getting better and better everytime I run. Probably what seems like a big deal this week will be old hat by next week. Looking forward to that feeling :)

As for the scale... I will probably not even weigh tomorrow. Its so toxic for me to weigh after a couple days of unfavorable results and screw ups. I made some major rookie mistakes today. So I'm taking a break from it for a couple days, in hopes that when I go back I will see some variation of the 150s. I am gonna try to stick to fruits and veggies and liquids tomorrow. Hope it goes well. I have to work (wait tables) tomorrow night and I usually end up eating more than I want to out of anxiety/boredom/annoyance/frustration and etc. I hate waiting tables. Maybe one day I'll have a salaried job that helps me make enough money to live. That'd be great.

163.8

See what I mean? Lose weight, balloon up, and then my weight settles back down. I'm prepared for this. I know what my body does...

I ate dinner last night, and I didn't sleep 2 nights ago, and I didn't walk or run or anything last night, just crashed. So pretty much I'm expecting to be back down in a couple days, but I had no reason to expect to lose today. I just have to give my body a second to adjust.

Here's to staying positive and knowing when its just water weight because its a physical impossibility that it could be anything else :) Love you all. I'll try to catch up on blogs soon.

160.4

Do I know how? Nope... I guess running is really doing its work :) And I'm barely eating. Yesterday I only ate what I needed to run. First thing in the morning is coffee and after my system has cleared, I can count on it to give me a good reading!

I'm dying to see 150's on the scale. A couple more days of this and I will solidly be in the 150's. But I know I can't sustain this rapid weight loss forever. I am bracing myself for a crash and burn plateau. I know that's negative, but I'm afraid of it. Its coming sooner or later, you know? My metabolism will eventually refuse me and I will have to start eating to function for awhile. But for now I am totally gonna enjoy it. 150's, here I come!!

WTF??!!  161.2.  I just weighed. I kid you not! The plateau has broken!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have lost 6 lbs this week and I'm not sure how the hell I did it. And I'm running tonight, so I might even be 160 tomorrow.

I'm gonna try really hard to not count on it, because I don't wanna set myself up to be really sad. Plus, like always, I balloon up a couple lbs right after I see a low weight. I swear to you I saw 165 at least once on the scale yesterday. I drank only coffee and water so far today, so I probably cleaned my system out. I haven't eaten anything, but I dare not try to run on an empty stomach, because I will end up getting sick and binging. So a reasonable dinner with minimal carbs and I'll be good to go!

The awesome thing is, I haven't weighed this little in probably 3-4 years. I'm so psyched! The scary thing is, my hair is falling out. I can't tell how much of it is natural shedding... but I'm trying not to stress about it yet. When I am thinner I can worry about it, and then getting a short bob won't be so disgusting on me, you know?

For now I am very happy, but trying to brace myself in case I do see a higher number tomorrow. The more reasonable I am with myself, the more likely I am to succeed and keep losing :)

Pictures

Following the trend... One of just my face, because I'm too embarrassed to show you my body. Its all lard. I'm the one on the left in green. The girl on the right is one of my beautiful, perfect, naturally skinny friends.

And another-- a pic one of my photographer friends took of me as a headshot.

 That last one is me goofing around with friends.

I wish could show you me... but I'm no thinspiration to anyone. You'd be disgusted. Trust me.

(Deleted photos because of privacy...)

This morning I weighed 163.4. Well, actually I weighed about 8 times and it kept teetering between 164.4, 164.8 (one time) and 163.4. So I dunno. I'm pretty sure I've lost, but I'm still so so sooooo fat.

Does anyone else struggle with putting makeup on? I know this is gonna sound weird. I argue with myself regularly about whether I'm gonna bother. Basically, I'm too fat to even bother, because it won't help, I'll still be ugly. But I wanna look my best. But maybe even if I try really hard to look pretty I'll still be disgusting.

This is my inner dialogue with myself. Its like I can't count on anything until I can lose the weight. I do this more often with makeup, but then sometimes with the clothes I wear too. Its like, screw it all, nothing will help or change the weight I am today.

Am I alone in this? I feel like this today, on Easter of all days. How can I have such anxiety about hanging out with these people? I feel like my body is one big blob of lard. LARD.

I probably will put makeup on after all, but just know that it really won't help regardless. When will I lose enough for it to start making a difference?

I ran approximately 4 miles tonight, basically continuously. I think that's the longest distance I've ever run without walking inbetween for a substantial amount of time. Afterwards I felt amazing. For a bit.

I am on my period, and though it is very light, I am bloated as all hell.

I feel disgusting and there is nothing that can make me beautiful enough to hang out with the beautiful people. Hopefully being with them will give me the thinspiration to stuff myself with only veggies instead of all the garbage that they are bringing. My job was to bring the veggie tray. I personally wanted to make sure it was there.

I am a complete and utter fatass. Nothing can change that by tomorrow. But I have to stick with this. I'm losing slower than molasses, but if I can just freaking stick with it, maybe I will start to lose again. I can't stay this way forever. I'll die.

I'm so disgusting.

The day started with me realizing i probably needed to have some protein in my diet. Took a handful of vitamins as soon as I got to work. There were brownies. Gobble gobble gobble. After that I pretty much gave up. Hardly a binge, but I'm sure if I counted it up I'd be in the neighborhood of 800-1200. I don't really wanna know. I'm gonna go for a run.

I'm gonna have a really fun easter. The bad part is, I'm gonna be around all the beautiful people. I have this group of friends that are all perfect and beautiful. I'm gonna be around them. And I'm gonna be fat and disgusting and inadequate. These are the people that are married or have perfect boyfriends and wear designer everything, or aspire to. And I just never quite measure up. They are great people and everything, I'm just not pretty enough to be friends with them.

I hate being around men. Men in general. They make me nervous. I never quite make the cut of being good enough. I feel like even the good men that I know are just looking at me and pitying me for being the fat girl. Nice girl and all, smart, but not pretty or thin enough to ever actually be with a good man that will love me and take care of me. I feel so embarrassed. I want to hide.

Just got off the phone with my Dad to discuss the Colorado business with him. He doesn't even act enthusiatic that I got in to grad school. And when I call him out on it, he says he is, but its so fake. Never quite good enough for my Dad. Never thin enough. That's all he really wants me to be. No other accomplishments matter unless I'm thin. And here I've eaten all this garbage today and ruined it.

One of my really good friends told me a while back that I say a lot of things about God that are untrue, and that our ideas about God and his feelings for us come from what we feel about our earthly fathers. Never quite good enough. That's what I feel. Just not quite measuring up to who he wants me to be. And ashamed and embarrassed that I can't fix myself. And I know that's not what I'm supposed to do-- the beauty of grace is that He gets to fix it for us. But I'm still screwed up. I just can't let go. I just can't relinquish control. I feel that there is something so inherently wrong with me that I can't even take what's freely lavished on me.

I need different experiences with men. Maybe if I were to find a man that could love me, I would get better ideas about how grace and love work, and I wouldn't be so captivated by the idea that my Dad thinks I'm never good enough. But see... I can't have any of this. Because I'm too fat. No one wants to be with the fat girl. No matter how much she has achieved, no matter how smart, and kind, and thoughtful. All they see is too fat. too independent. too headstrong. too abrasive. TOO FAT.

I feel huge.

Tonight I ended up taking communion with my friends at their house. It was really great. I have had a hard time with organized religion in the past, I've gotten over most of that, but anytime I can share these things with my friends in an intimate setting its awesome. God's really been dealing with me about some things in my life, attitudes, letting go of all my plans for next year and just embracing the path he's laid out for me. Its so so so hard. I want the control. I want it. That's why I slipped back into this. And I am not done, I need to and will keep losing, but at least maybe I can be ok with the way my life is going for now. And just hope and pray that I can practice and work hard and hopefully see my hopes and dreams begin to materialize.

Anyways, after communion, someone suggested pizza and for a split second I considered it. Then I looked at the roll of fat around my middle as I sat and I was disgusted. I kept teetering back and forth--you know that feeling? Luckily no one else really committed to it so we didn't get any. Later, my friends needed a ride to go get food (they are all naturally skinny beautiful people unlike me) so I ended up taking them to McDonalds. I wasn't gonna eat, but I ended up getting a grilled chicken salad with light dressing which I only used half of, thank goodness. I only ate about half the chicken because I am terrified of fast food chicken, grilled or not. I am convinced they put crap in it. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wish I hadn't eaten any of the chicken. I don't really feel guilty about the lettuce and tomato part...

Today probably ended up being a 600-800 cal day, not sure. I haven't really been counting, just trying to eat as little as possible.

I want to be THIN. Want it so so much. I felt fat for most of today and I'm not counting on a loss, though I'd like it. Le sigh. This weight loss is so so slow. I feel like for the most part I am doing the best I can. I'd like to eat nothing at all, but all that will do is shut my metabolism down. And the fat girl in me likes to eat. So a sparing medium of restriction must be reached. At least I am still losing, albeit slowly... I should be happy. I'm trying to be patient.

Thank you to all of you who read my blog. It really means a lot to me. I'm not really sure I truly have an eating disorder and I'm too fat to claim I do... but it helps me to write about myself and thoughts on here. Glad I can be honest about things.

I feel fat today. Weighed 166.2. Probably muscle and water weight, but what did I tell you? I hit a weight, balloon back up, and then my body settles. Grabbed some goldfish as soon as I got up. Ate to many. So freaking addictive.

I feet fat today. I'll update later. Hopefully I won't have too many excuses to eat today...

All I can say is thank God for celery. It saved me from a binge! I think part of the problem is that I just get so so anxious and I have to chew something...

Going running tonight. I sooo hope that I can lose another pound. That'd be wonderful :)

Miracle...

For whatever do reason, I woke up 164.0. I weighed several times! I'm bracing myself for the scale to be a jerk to me for the next few days, cuz it seems the trend is that I go to a new low weight, and then I balloon back up for a couple days before it settles. I dunno why. But as long as I keep it off in the long run, I'll take it! Its been really helping me to not weigh everyday because I get so frustrated when this happens.

Thanks for the advice, Alice! I'll have to try those! I have been having these late night bingey things, probably my body just fighting with me for not feeding it. But at least it hasn't been terrible. I'm really excited that I just dropped 3 lbs :)