This morning I weighed 163.4. Well, actually I weighed about 8 times and it kept teetering between 164.4, 164.8 (one time) and 163.4. So I dunno. I'm pretty sure I've lost, but I'm still so so sooooo fat.

Does anyone else struggle with putting makeup on? I know this is gonna sound weird. I argue with myself regularly about whether I'm gonna bother. Basically, I'm too fat to even bother, because it won't help, I'll still be ugly. But I wanna look my best. But maybe even if I try really hard to look pretty I'll still be disgusting.

This is my inner dialogue with myself. Its like I can't count on anything until I can lose the weight. I do this more often with makeup, but then sometimes with the clothes I wear too. Its like, screw it all, nothing will help or change the weight I am today.

Am I alone in this? I feel like this today, on Easter of all days. How can I have such anxiety about hanging out with these people? I feel like my body is one big blob of lard. LARD.

I probably will put makeup on after all, but just know that it really won't help regardless. When will I lose enough for it to start making a difference?