Today was emotionally a really hard day. I'm still in a horrible limbo about what to do with my life. I know I keep talking about it and I'm sorry if I'm boring you. This is my LIFE, my DREAMS and my whole existence that feels like its hanging in the balance.
I want to be an opera singer more than I've ever wanted anything. And I've worked really hard. And its not materializing the way I want it to. I want to control my destiny, but instead, patiently God directs my path. And I'm not loving where its going. It hurts to let go of the things you feel you should have, and just hope that maybe later you'll get what you need/want. God is confusing like that. Right now I just have to trust that maybe he loves me tenderly enough to want good things for me, and I just can't see the big picture. I feel like I will die if I can't sing.
Now all of this is a lot to deal with from someone that obviouly has control issues. When ever I feel like I lose control of my life, I lose control of food. Big time. Today I binged and I don't even want to talk about what I ate. Its done. Can't purge it. Can't do anything. All I can do now is starve on and hope to turn it around.
I feel lost and found at the same time. I know its all gonna be ok, but I can hardly contain my emotions right now. Honestly, on top of everything else, I can't understand why God didn't make me thin. I can work around it, I can make myself be thin (Just watch I WILL!!) but why do I have to struggle when other people just get what they want? Why does it have to be like that? Why is it fair?
I'm so sad. And so fat. I won't wallow in it though. I refuse to wallow. Instead, I will charge on with the gifts that I've been given. And I'll be good at teaching. I'll be a GREAT teacher. And I will STILL be good at singing and hope and pray that maybe I'll get the opportunities that I long for someday.
AND I WILL BE THIN!!! NOTHING WILL STOP ME.