First off, I apologize to Sottile because you totally tagged me and I suck and haven't had the chance to answer questions yet :( but I'm having a major freak out and need to write about it.
Lots of sleepless nights and wasted days I've been having. Anxiety about so many things. The one thing that sucks about being graduated is that I have way too much extra time on my hands to worry about things I either can't do anything about or am procrastinating. Ugh. Even with four part time jobs, believe it or not I still don't have enough to do. I am used to never having time for anything. And now I have so much time. You'd think it'd be time I could use to get skinny. But no. I work out. I run. I restrict. And still the scale gives me an unfavorable (and might I add, DISGUSTING) number.
My friend, the counselor one that I talked about a few posts ago? We're having lunch on Friday. Not just me and him so it won't be awkward-- we're including another female psychology prof that we both happen to know and like. His idea and a wise one. Solves the problem of appearances, eases some of the problem of lull in the conversation, eases awkwardness and any tension. He didn't say that but I know its the reason.
Anyways, I'm freaking out. Freaking. Out. Wigging. Out. Totally. I am too fat. And he's a man. And it doesn't matter that I'm not trying to lure him into bed. He's a man. And therefore I am not good enough to look at. Not good enough to look at or be friends with or be seen with or be an adoptive daughter of sorts (which he has said I am before)... Not good enough. Not thin enough. Too fat. Not good enough.
And you know... I know that weight loss is just gonna have to be slow and steady if I would like to stay alive and function. And I could be okay with that, sort of, as much as possible. But I don't have anything to wear. I don't look good in anything, even after having lost 30 lbs. Not enough. Not thin enough. Why can't I just be a little bit pretty? Just for one day? Need a smaller waist. For one day.
But no. I'm a fat cow. And men can't be bothered with me and my disgusting mediocrity that hangs in bags and rolls around my body. Please just approve of me. Tell me I'm good enough. Please. PLEASE. I need that from my father so desperately. I need that from this man since my father won't give that to me. I need it from a man who's gonna love me and marry me and not leave me for someone else. I'm so screwed up. Men give me so much anxiety. So much. They make me sad... they are the root of all my problems, all my deep seated pains and hurts.
Just let me be good enough for one day. PLEASE.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Started reading you blog, and I like it =D
ReplyDeleteHave you tried splitting your calories up into actual meals? I know that helped me A LOT. Keeps the metabolism going because your body knows it will get food at regular times. My calories still never cross 800 a day. Just a thought =D
~Wendy
Men SUCK. I'm sorry you feel like you need their approval. Because they SUCK! lol
ReplyDeleteAbout the weight thingy....you can do it. Just don't give up and you will break through this plataeu. Because that is all this is and you have broken through others and you can break this one too :)
Push through that plateau! Maybe switch up your exercise/increase your fiber intake/eat more frequently?
ReplyDeleteMen DO suck. He probably doesn't deserve YOU.
xoxo
Z, I saw those pictures you posted of yourself. It's okay to have some anxiety, but you're a really pretty girl. I hope that overnight, you've realized that he's just a guy. I agree with Bree and athANAsy... they suck balls!
ReplyDeleteuuuuuh, you're really not fat. when I started this venture, I was 8 pounds more than you! and nobody ever called me fat, it was just me that thought so... well, I'm still fat, but that isnt the point.
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful and incredible. we're just trying to become our true selves, but we're still wonderful, lovable people until we get there!
hey Z! Thanks for the compliment. I'm actually 100% Indian (from India). And are you kidding me? You're 1/2 Puerto Rican? No wonder you're gorgeous! You totally have an unfair advantage...
ReplyDeleteOn a slightly related note, I hope you're not still having an anxiety attack about having dinner with your friend...
i'm sorry i haven't been commenting. or posting. or anything. i've been preoccupied with my daughter and my depression. and everything else. just know that i appreciate you following my blog and commenting on it.
ReplyDeletealso, you are an awesome chick. don't sell yourself short. and men suck. they give me anxiety too. meeting my H was a fluke and he's as crazy as i am. not necessarily a perfect relationship, if you know what i mean.
just remember you are a woman. stronger than any man. perhaps not physically. but mentally and emotionally and spiritually. i honestly believe that. and you need to too.