First off, I apologize to Sottile because you totally tagged me and I suck and haven't had the chance to answer questions yet :( but I'm having a major freak out and need to write about it.
Lots of sleepless nights and wasted days I've been having. Anxiety about so many things. The one thing that sucks about being graduated is that I have way too much extra time on my hands to worry about things I either can't do anything about or am procrastinating. Ugh. Even with four part time jobs, believe it or not I still don't have enough to do. I am used to never having time for anything. And now I have so much time. You'd think it'd be time I could use to get skinny. But no. I work out. I run. I restrict. And still the scale gives me an unfavorable (and might I add, DISGUSTING) number.
My friend, the counselor one that I talked about a few posts ago? We're having lunch on Friday. Not just me and him so it won't be awkward-- we're including another female psychology prof that we both happen to know and like. His idea and a wise one. Solves the problem of appearances, eases some of the problem of lull in the conversation, eases awkwardness and any tension. He didn't say that but I know its the reason.
Anyways, I'm freaking out. Freaking. Out. Wigging. Out. Totally. I am too fat. And he's a man. And it doesn't matter that I'm not trying to lure him into bed. He's a man. And therefore I am not good enough to look at. Not good enough to look at or be friends with or be seen with or be an adoptive daughter of sorts (which he has said I am before)... Not good enough. Not thin enough. Too fat. Not good enough.
And you know... I know that weight loss is just gonna have to be slow and steady if I would like to stay alive and function. And I could be okay with that, sort of, as much as possible. But I don't have anything to wear. I don't look good in anything, even after having lost 30 lbs. Not enough. Not thin enough. Why can't I just be a little bit pretty? Just for one day? Need a smaller waist. For one day.
But no. I'm a fat cow. And men can't be bothered with me and my disgusting mediocrity that hangs in bags and rolls around my body. Please just approve of me. Tell me I'm good enough. Please. PLEASE. I need that from my father so desperately. I need that from this man since my father won't give that to me. I need it from a man who's gonna love me and marry me and not leave me for someone else. I'm so screwed up. Men give me so much anxiety. So much. They make me sad... they are the root of all my problems, all my deep seated pains and hurts.
Just let me be good enough for one day. PLEASE.