Screw up

Welp, I screwed it up. I only ate cucumbers and carrots the whole day, with coffee of course. Throughout the day my weight only went down half a pound. Tonight I was supposed to go running with this girl who is super hard core. I mean like big time distance runner. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up because I've been barely eating and felt kinda weak today.

In my stupidity and anxiety, I knew I would have to eat soon if I was even gonna try to keep up. So I ate a poptart because it was the most readily available. I was thinking that most poptarts are 250 cals per package. STUUUUPPPPIIIIIIDDDD. 400 cals. Big mistake number 1.

Mistake number two was that I was still feeling weak and hungry, so the logical thing was to go to Taco Bell with friends, OF COURSE. Already blew everything to crap, anyways. Turned out I didn't run with my friend, but I did run by myself. I had a pretty good run, and I am amazed that I can run further and further, and be less and less tired. I find right now that I can run much further in one stint (without walking in between) than I give myself credit for. I just haven't really gone for it yet. Probably mostly because I know that if I do it once, I will want to do it everytime. And that just isn't really practical, you know? You can't go for the gold every time, every freaking day because you will burn yourself out mentally, at least. That's one thing I've learned in all of my perfectionism and depression and anxiety and all the other things I've struggled with while in college. So I do my best and my best keeps getting better and better everytime I run. Probably what seems like a big deal this week will be old hat by next week. Looking forward to that feeling :)

As for the scale... I will probably not even weigh tomorrow. Its so toxic for me to weigh after a couple days of unfavorable results and screw ups. I made some major rookie mistakes today. So I'm taking a break from it for a couple days, in hopes that when I go back I will see some variation of the 150s. I am gonna try to stick to fruits and veggies and liquids tomorrow. Hope it goes well. I have to work (wait tables) tomorrow night and I usually end up eating more than I want to out of anxiety/boredom/annoyance/frustration and etc. I hate waiting tables. Maybe one day I'll have a salaried job that helps me make enough money to live. That'd be great.