I feel huge.

Tonight I ended up taking communion with my friends at their house. It was really great. I have had a hard time with organized religion in the past, I've gotten over most of that, but anytime I can share these things with my friends in an intimate setting its awesome. God's really been dealing with me about some things in my life, attitudes, letting go of all my plans for next year and just embracing the path he's laid out for me. Its so so so hard. I want the control. I want it. That's why I slipped back into this. And I am not done, I need to and will keep losing, but at least maybe I can be ok with the way my life is going for now. And just hope and pray that I can practice and work hard and hopefully see my hopes and dreams begin to materialize.

Anyways, after communion, someone suggested pizza and for a split second I considered it. Then I looked at the roll of fat around my middle as I sat and I was disgusted. I kept teetering back and forth--you know that feeling? Luckily no one else really committed to it so we didn't get any. Later, my friends needed a ride to go get food (they are all naturally skinny beautiful people unlike me) so I ended up taking them to McDonalds. I wasn't gonna eat, but I ended up getting a grilled chicken salad with light dressing which I only used half of, thank goodness. I only ate about half the chicken because I am terrified of fast food chicken, grilled or not. I am convinced they put crap in it. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wish I hadn't eaten any of the chicken. I don't really feel guilty about the lettuce and tomato part...

Today probably ended up being a 600-800 cal day, not sure. I haven't really been counting, just trying to eat as little as possible.

I want to be THIN. Want it so so much. I felt fat for most of today and I'm not counting on a loss, though I'd like it. Le sigh. This weight loss is so so slow. I feel like for the most part I am doing the best I can. I'd like to eat nothing at all, but all that will do is shut my metabolism down. And the fat girl in me likes to eat. So a sparing medium of restriction must be reached. At least I am still losing, albeit slowly... I should be happy. I'm trying to be patient.

Thank you to all of you who read my blog. It really means a lot to me. I'm not really sure I truly have an eating disorder and I'm too fat to claim I do... but it helps me to write about myself and thoughts on here. Glad I can be honest about things.