I'm not gonna lie... I hate myself.

I purged the other night. 2nd time. I'm gonna fuck my vocal chords up so bad I will never ever be able to sing. But you can't be fat and be an opera singer anymore. At least I can't.

I'm scared. I've gotta stop purging. I've gotta stop eating. I gotta lose weight. I HAVE TO!!! I can't even explain to you...

I feel so much sadness about singing and grad school and next year. It feels like my dream is dying. I love being a teacher. But everything pales in comparison to what I feel to have lost. I don't even know what I want, what I expect, but it feels like I am average and I have failed and that door is closed to me forever. Am I wasting time, wasting myself, wasting my voice away? Is there still a chance that someday I will get to perform? And if there is, I shouldn't waste one minute of now, of this summer. I should be practicing, but instead I lay around and brood. Because I don't know the answers to those questions.

I worked my ass off in college to do the thing I wanted most. And it didn't work. At least not for now. I feel horrible.

***

A couple of my friends talked me through it...  I'm feeling a little better.

Still fat though. More on that another time.