The day started with me realizing i probably needed to have some protein in my diet. Took a handful of vitamins as soon as I got to work. There were brownies. Gobble gobble gobble. After that I pretty much gave up. Hardly a binge, but I'm sure if I counted it up I'd be in the neighborhood of 800-1200. I don't really wanna know. I'm gonna go for a run.
I'm gonna have a really fun easter. The bad part is, I'm gonna be around all the beautiful people. I have this group of friends that are all perfect and beautiful. I'm gonna be around them. And I'm gonna be fat and disgusting and inadequate. These are the people that are married or have perfect boyfriends and wear designer everything, or aspire to. And I just never quite measure up. They are great people and everything, I'm just not pretty enough to be friends with them.
I hate being around men. Men in general. They make me nervous. I never quite make the cut of being good enough. I feel like even the good men that I know are just looking at me and pitying me for being the fat girl. Nice girl and all, smart, but not pretty or thin enough to ever actually be with a good man that will love me and take care of me. I feel so embarrassed. I want to hide.
Just got off the phone with my Dad to discuss the Colorado business with him. He doesn't even act enthusiatic that I got in to grad school. And when I call him out on it, he says he is, but its so fake. Never quite good enough for my Dad. Never thin enough. That's all he really wants me to be. No other accomplishments matter unless I'm thin. And here I've eaten all this garbage today and ruined it.
One of my really good friends told me a while back that I say a lot of things about God that are untrue, and that our ideas about God and his feelings for us come from what we feel about our earthly fathers. Never quite good enough. That's what I feel. Just not quite measuring up to who he wants me to be. And ashamed and embarrassed that I can't fix myself. And I know that's not what I'm supposed to do-- the beauty of grace is that He gets to fix it for us. But I'm still screwed up. I just can't let go. I just can't relinquish control. I feel that there is something so inherently wrong with me that I can't even take what's freely lavished on me.
I need different experiences with men. Maybe if I were to find a man that could love me, I would get better ideas about how grace and love work, and I wouldn't be so captivated by the idea that my Dad thinks I'm never good enough. But see... I can't have any of this. Because I'm too fat. No one wants to be with the fat girl. No matter how much she has achieved, no matter how smart, and kind, and thoughtful. All they see is too fat. too independent. too headstrong. too abrasive. TOO FAT.