A friend of mine is coming into town. Someone really, really special to me. He is the very first counselor I ever had, started seeing him here at school and I saw him for a whole year. I fell in love with this man. Not in the erotic/sexual sense. He is just the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met in my entire life. He's everything my father isn't that I've always wanted him to be. And he's everything I want in a husband, if I can ever find one...
So basically, I saw him for a year through my university but he was in the Army Reserve, and they called him into active duty in another part of the US. He was supposed to come back after a year, when I graduated, but he didn't because the Army didn't let him. He was supposed to come back after the second year, but he can't again. Now I am graduated and moving to Colorado, when he is in DC. And when he finally does come back to work at my University, of course I'll be long gone.
The thing I must tell you about this man is that now that he's not my counselor, I have a really special mentor/father figure relationship with him. We have emailed back and forth for the two years since he's been gone and on several occasions he has expressed that he is equally fond of me. (Now don't get the wrong idea, he is married, has kids my age etc, and I would never cross that boundary. I just really really love him. Its so special.) I know that its really unusual to have outside and further contact with a counselor after treatment, so I take it as really special and a high compliment that he cared enough to keep returning my emails. In fact, when he left, he asked me to keep in touch with him to begin with. He's told me before that he sees a lot of himself in me when he was my age.
So he's coming into town next weekend. I'm seeing him in like a week and a half. And of course I am pretty stressed about the fact that I am still fat. I want to lose as much as possible. I know its retarded, because like I said, there's nothing weird and romantic between us, I just have major anxiety issues about men in general and them approving of me as a person and that includes being thin.
Okay. That was definitely a run on. But you get it. I'm completely out of my mind. I just want men to love me and approve of me. Think I'm wonderful and beautiful. I don't want to use sex against them in any sort of inappropriate, manipulative way. I just want to be good enough. Not a disappointment like I always am to my father. And maybe if some of the men I know are satisfied that I'm okay and enough and a good girl and sweet and pretty... maybe someday I'll have a chance of a prayer of getting married to a wonderful man just like this one that I adore so much. I'm wounded in this way. I'm forever not enough, not good enough, not thin enough, and so I'm bleeding. And hoping maybe I can lose enough weight in a week and a half to have a good visit with him.
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I completely understand what you mean. I don't want sex or affection from anyone but my husband, but I desire approval from every person I see. You know, I read a quote somehwere that women dont diet for men, they diet for other women? And its so true, because women are SO much more harsh on our bodies than men are. If a man saw me naked, he would say "BOOBS" if a woman saw me she would say, "okay, big boobs, flubby tummy, too muscular thighs" yada yada... There was a survey where men were asked to pick out of a group of three women which body they preferred, a size 6, a size 10, and a size 16. 40% of men chose the size 10, not the size 6... why? Because at size 10, the woman had bigger hips, more curves. in second was the size 16- because she was very voluptuous and had a beautiful curvy figure. and last was the size 6, because most men just dont find straight up and down women as attractive as a woman with curves!
ReplyDeleteI know this, and yet I'm perfectly willing to accept that as I get smaller and smaller, my husband would be less attracted to my body. but i'll feel better about myself, and women will envy me more.
Just sayin'.