Just not good enough. Just too fat. Being fat cancels out like everything else that's good about me. And if it weren't for that I think I would like myself a lot, most of the time. I feel so inadequate. So out of control. Never enough time. Always too much food. Never enough running. Never good enough. Never quite meeting the standard.

I get depressed when I think this way. But I just can't... I know I can be everything I wanna be... I just have to find it in myself. Doesn't help that I'm sleeping weird hours and on my period. I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work :(

I hate having a period. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have eaten:

160 cals of soup

30 cals coffee?

100 cals of smoothie

And I walked about 30 mins to the grocery store...

This morning I find that my period has begun :(

Cue the lightbulb coming on about my facial breakout and bloating.

The good news is, last night I was 155.8. This morning I am 154.6. This is on my aunt and uncle's scale. I am not sure how well it lines up with mine. But... the other day I was 156.8 which is why I was freaking out... When I came I was inexlicably 153. Maybe before I leave tomorrow I get get back down to that.

I want to see 150 next week sometime. Absolutely no reason I can't do that if I'm a good little girl. And I run my ass off.

Mad Greens Salad--620 cals
Latte--100 cals?
Piece of bread for breakfast--100 cals (to be safe)
2 cookies--300?
Chocolate milk--380 cals

I'm pathetic. Really. I can't believe its possible that I could have consumed that many calories today. I'm pathetic. I'm disgusted with myself. Do I not get that I'm disgustingly huge? Rolls of fat hang off of me. People are disgusted with me. They would like me so sooo much better if I could control myself. Which clearly I can't. And I got home early enough to run on the treadmill. And I didn't do it. Catching up with friends on the phone is nice, but when you are this large, exercise is of utmost importance.Right after I was eating those cookies, I thought about purging them, but also kind of difficult when you are on the phone. Ugh.

In other news, the art museum was freaking the most awesome thing ever. My music degree served me well. It was like having a playlist in my head for every paiting--music and art line up in many ways in terms of time periods and styles. I love art. I plan to go to that museum again and spend hours there. I loved it.

I bought some sugar free redbulls today.

I'm tired of being fat. So tired of it. Thinness is not out of reach. I just need some discipline. I can do this. I can control this. Everything I want is in my reach if I want it badly enough.

Tomorrow. No eating. I may get roped into dinner. That's allowed if I run 4 miles tomorrow. I should be able to do that. No excuses. That would put me at 12 miles for the week. Which clearly hasn't made a dent in my fat rolls. I HAVE TO STOP EATING!!!

Okay, inside I am freaking out. I actually, technically overall have lost about 2-3 lbs since the beginning of the semester, but overall my running has also gone to shit. I am so much more flabby, and I'm sure that with Christmas (I'm too scared to get an accurate number right now) its bad.

The plan:

Avoid food at all costs.
Salad when I have to eat with people.
AVOID CARBS.
Make friends with sugar free redbull and starbucks via packets.
Chew gum.
Drink a shit ton more water.
Drink more zero cal gatorade and powerade.
When I order Starbucks, only get the skinny variety of the drink. period.
Run my ass off.
My goal is to make 15 miles a week a regular thing this semester, but I'm gonna start with 12 a week.
If I just have to eat (you know those times where you are going crazy because you need to eat something "good" or you will binge?) I will treat myself to a salad from whole foods.


What I just saw in the mirror should put fear in my heart for sure. Hopefully it will. I am going home to be in a wedding the last week of feb/first of March and I just HAVE to look good in those pics! My hair will be longer by then, which is good, but I have no excuse not to lose ten lbs. Perfectly doable. I have lost 15-20 in that time period before!

I hate myself. I'm embarrassed to even have to go out tomorrow :(

Denver art museum tomorrow. The plan is to drag my ass out of bed, look cute (and hope I don't look too fat), and stop by starbucks (yum). I'm just going with the art teacher from my school, her daughter who I haven't met but apparently is overweight, and a couple of the kids that I teach. Should be fun. Excited about learning about art...

Weighed today. It was grossly high. Granted, since that time I have had two large bowel movements (tmi, I know!) and I had just drank a ton of water after running on the treadmill. Hopefully the reality is not as bad as that dreadful number.

I wanted to run again before bed tonight, but I didn't want to have to wash my hair again. Whatever. Exercise is more important. I continue to eat normally. I drank so much alcohol the other day... 4 glasses of wine plus some other stuff. I don't really believe in New Years resolutions, but I am glad for a fresh start and the excuse to eat less and run more this semester. I am dreading going back to lesson planning. Love teaching, hate the lesson planning. I feel very much in a valley in my teaching right now, which I guess is normal for this point as a first year teacher. I'm just worn out and I don't wanna go back. Break is not long enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doomed to be fat forever? I am not disgusting, I really am a cute girl. I just have a hard time with my weight. And even though my ex dated me the way I was and supposedly thought I was beautiful, I still hear that voice in my head that says no one will ever want to be with me unless I'm thin. I'm going home to visit in late Feb for a week and I'm really hoping I can lose 10 lbs by then...

Drunkenness, well really just tipsyness. Hatred for myself. Haven't been able to stay on track in a couple weeks. Ran 4.5 miles on the treadmill last night, but obviously that's not the same as on real earth and pavement. Looking forward to taking the semester off classes so that I will only have to teach and run. And focus on singing and voice lessons. And volunteering at the nursing home by myself. Looking so forward to that. Relationships are EVERYTHING. Hopefully I will be able to make some old people happy. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll meet some dashing young man who is either the grandson of a resident, or works for the nursing home. Stupid I know...

Looking forward to having a long day working on the treadmill tomorrow. Aunt and uncle will be at work.

Is it crazy to think there is a purpose to my singleness? I know some of you won't get this but I think my ex needs me right now. I pray that he experiences the presence of God in a real way. I love Jesus and I just want him to know Jesus the way I do. I'm not perfect. I'm screwed up. I really, really am. But that's okay. I'm okay with that. Jesus is okay with that. You don't have to be fixed up to know him. You don't have to know everything. I love him... and I just want Seth to know him too. I worry about him terribly because he drinks way too much. I mean... I got pretty tipsy tonight, but he gets drunk every weekend. Like really really drunk. Last weekend he hit his head and I took care of him. I hope that helped him know that I love him...in this crazy way, because I really, really don't wanna be with him but I just care so deeply for him...

Sorry I'm spilling all this. Might do it sober, bc I'm ridiculous and an open book, but tipsiness doesn't help. Ugh. I ate waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much today and yesterday. Hopefully I will be close to on track tomorrow. I'll pb have to eat dinner but maybe I can avoid all other meals. No breakfast, no lunch. That'd be awesome.

Maybe skipping meals and purging is hypocritical to some of you when I call myself a follower of Jesus. Again, I have no answers for that... I'm not perfect. I don't think I have to be. I know that he loves me and has good things for me, even when I have no good for myself. I believe, against all hope, against my own belief, that he has some wonderful man that's gonna want me the way I am and gonna want to help me be healthy.

I really do believe that. Even though I hate myself.... Maybe some of you can relate...

My entire eating pattern is revolving around epic failure. Too much. Too much candy. Too many cookies. Too much pizza. Bad things springing up before me EVERYWHERE and at every opportunity.

Tonight me and the buds from church went to Chipotle. I ate too much... brought the leftovers home, ate them, and purged them. Hopefully I didn't hurt my vocal chords, because I would LOVE to practice tomorrow.

Running will hopefully happen. Eating better will happen. I have juice/smoothie stuff for a liquid fast, but I have a party to go to, so may not be able to do that 100%. Gotta get back on track. I am gonna try so hard to not rely on purging over the holidays... but welp... yeah.

Looking forward to an easier semester next semester so that I can run run RUN!

Not doing so well... Birthday/school Christmas present baked goods hell is proving to be difficult. Ugh. Trying to get back on track. Or at least not suck as bad as I have been.

To anonymous, I'm a good teacher. I love my students. I am professional at my job. Doesn't mean I don't have struggles or problems or secret thoughts, which I just happen to share on this anonymous blog. You could argue that such a person with such thoughts would take it out on students or it would reflect on my teaching. But you would be wrong--that's why people have outlets for their issues and problems. So don't pretend you don't have any. At least I am a real person. That's a lot better and a lot healthier than pretending to be perfect.

I'm having a nervous breakdown on the inside. So much crap I have eaten today. Damn Christmas treats. And just ate too much dinner for one sitting. Ugh. Too tired to purge. Literally. I have a final I HAVE to go finish. Too tired.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will not look hot. I will probably look like the cow I am. And I will probably eat... because its my birthday. There may be alcohol involved. But not too much because I have to work the next day. I will be exhausted on my birthday. But that's the way life goes. At least finals will be over.

I know this won't make sense to some of you. But I look in all the wrong places for my life. Really all I want is Jesus, and I know that, but so many other things distract me. And I can't help myself. I long to feel connected to people. I'm a nuisance of a friend sometimes. Too needy. Too clingy. Talk too much. Stress too much. Worry too much. Too open, too attached, too fast. (I really am a great friend if you can get past those things. Its a lot to deal with. I am too much. And not good enough. Wow.) I don't really know what to do with myself. People don't fix things. Being "connected" to people doesn't fix things. Being with men doesn't fix things. I know that it doesn't. If it did I would have given up my virginity long ago. Its hard to keep it. But glad I have it. Lonely, you know. Very lonely. I'm so lonely. And still Jesus is beckoning.

And even still I want to be thin. Even Jesus doesn't change that, doesn't fix that. There has to be a way to make sense of that. I just don't know how yet.

Happy birthday to me. I'm gonna take the quickest power nap ever and go finish that damn final... if I can get it finished...

Good solid 152 today. Last night I ate soup and it was good. And our professor made us take food home. I ended up binging on these little pastry things she made me take. I came home. I purged when I got home. Haven't eaten today, and I don't think I'll have to, maybe. I hope to see 151 before the day is over. And 150 by tomorrow would be great. (I will probably end up having to eat at some point tomorrow.) I would be so close to 148, which is my first goal. 150 to see my ex would kinda sorta make me feel more comfortable with myself. Not really, but kinda.

I don't really understand my body. I can do all the same things, and yet sometimes I have spurts of losing and sometimes no matter how I starve, nothing happens. I'm starting to realize that starving still works, it just works differently than how I perceived it to work when I was younger. And also... I don't know if this makes sense. But really I've lost 8 lbs since like a week and a half ago, if you start from the highest number I had on the scale. But I never count from that, I count from the lowest number I had reached to begin with-- I see that as my true weight after my bowels are clear and food has worked its way through. So like I have seen 160 last week, but because my true lowest weight was 155, I only saw it as a 3 lb loss. And when I think of it that way I freak out and wonder why it takes me so long to lose a measly lbs after so much work. I think when I was in high school I would just measure from whatever I currently saw and count from there. I didn't have all the rituals in place that I do now, about not weighing with liquids, not weighing at certain times of the day blah blah. When I look back, I was really good at this ED stuff when I was in high school, and I didn't even realize it. I just didn't eat for days at a time. Period. It was just simple.

Anyways, I'm glad to be back on track. In some sick way, I feel more myself than ever. At this moment, less insecure. My life has meaning. I'm accomplishing something. I'm deranged.

Really I know my life has more meaning than this. Its just a season, like it usually is for me. Don't worry. I am rational. Its just... you know. I can be rational and know what I'm doing is bad for me, and still feel like I'm gaining a greater good by losing parts of myself. Yeah.

A good solid 153.4 this morning. So I'm officially 153, even though I ate that salad yesterday. I'm rather pleased. Hope to see 152 before I go to class and eat that soup; it will probably be thick creamy soup or something. I will try to be good and not eat a lot though!

At least I'm not still stuck. It feels good to be losing again after so long.

Wish me luck. Xoxo.

At one point today I saw 153.8. Don't know how accurate that was. But I've at least been hovering at 154 today consistently. I still hate my scale. But I DO like starving, even though its hard. I almost broke weak today. Went to Target and bought some stuff including a couple shirts. I could tell that I've lost, even though it was just a couple lbs. I can also tell I've gotten fluffy since I stopped running as much. May not be taking classes next semester which would mean lots of running again.Woop! And while I hate what I see, I look forward to it improving. Weird that I can think of all those things at the same time.

Drinking a calorie free gatorade. Also ate like four or five sugar free chocolates. 190 cals. Too much. But probably won't affect my weight in the morning adversely. Hoping for a solid 153....

This morning, 154.4. Yeah! But I could not even function, I was so tired! So I had a couple of cookies from the teacher lounge. And I can feel not guilty about that, as long I manage not to eat the rest of the day. Starving doesn't seem to work as quickly as I'd like, but most other things don't work either. I don't really have time to run the substantial amounts I need to in order to lose. It just can't happen right now if I'm gonna function and get my homework and lesson planning done. I know that not eating makes me run slow, but I'm managing. And I have a good inner gage, so if I start to crash and burn, I'll make myself eat! I'm doing fine though. I can do this.

Also, I have to see the ex this weekend, albeit briefly, so I have to look as amazing as I possibly can. Not because I want to get back with him, or manipulate him, or anything... Just because that's what you do. I have to look good. I have a couple options for cute outfits to wear, so that will be good too.

I'm dying to get to 148. That's my "short term" goal right now, although only God knows how long it will take me to get there. As long as I'm losing and not gaining, I'm good. Also, I'm probably getting dehydrated, so I need to drink a crap ton of water today and that will help my body keep going!

Starving is always better than puking.

I just hate my body. Doesn't matter how much I starve! I can just never get below 155. Nothing works. But today I did good. I started the day at 157, a lb higher than last night--don't know why. But by this eve I was 155.0. Today I have had a couple starburst, an entire cucumber and salad dressing, and lots of coffee and tea. Now I'm having a beer because I can't sleep and I need to relax. At one point tonight I saw 154.8 but I don't trust it and later I weighed and got higher weights that were all within the 154-155.8 range. My scale sucks. So when I am at the lower end of 154 I will be more likely to believe it!

I figure a beer cant hurt me... its either that or eat or drink a glass of milk. You know that feeling when you've been restricting or fasting so long (or in my case puking everything up before I can digest it for some "meals") that you just feel high? Part of it is probably lack of sleep and too much caffeine working together. I'm gonna be fine. One light beer on an empty stomach can do wonders for relaxation.

Tomorrow.... the goal is to see 154 or even 153. Can't stop. And can't believe that I'm actually managing this during finals week. One good thing is instead of wasting lunch time in the teacher's lounge, I get shit done in my classroom. Or at least get the much needed downtime I need between classes. Go me!!!!

Aw fuck. Went into the teacher lounge to get coffee. There were bagels. I ate one. Want to purge... hard to do at school. Fuck.

I got down to 155.2. Then of course I started eating. Its like this roadblock mindswitch thing or something. So I've eaten a few normal meals. The past 2 days I didn't eat all day until dinner. Today I ate starburst, had a latte and a pumpkin muffin before class. I was soooooo tired. It was crazy. And then I decided on Noodles for dinner (Noodles and Co.... they don't have that in TN!). So it was really yummy. And then about 30 mins later I purged it. I'm pretty sure I got everything but a few tiny pieces. I can hardly ever purge that much! And then I took a laxative. So we'll see how this goes. I don't plan on eating tomorrow daytime, but tomorrow eve I will definitely be around food. Snacky foods. It will probably happen. I'm expecting to be 156 tomorrow. I'd like to get a good solid 3-4 mile run in at least once this weekend. I don't know if I can do any better than maintain for at least another week, really. Its finals...

If only I could see something below 155...

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm getting good at the science of purging without hurting my vocal chords much. My teeth are another story. But for now I'm getting good at managing purging and singing.

Let's just be honest. Truthfully, I'm bulimic. Totally. Completely. Bulimic. If it weren't for singing I'd be in a clinic. And still fat.

So I told my friend the story, and she says I now have the power in the relationship. The truth is, maybe I shouldn't share the bed with him anymore... I fool myself into thinking I'm okay, but its all that I can think about. There's so much comfort in it, but then I feel close to him. And I don't know if that's good if I really am trying to be neutral. I feel so confused, because part of me is so content about what happened, part of me is angsty about it--wondering what's gonna happen and what he's thinking, and part of me is confused about how all this comes into play since I really DON'T wanna be with him.

Its very interesting having the power. And knowing that my body is tempting to him. That fucks with me a lot, because I don't think I've ever had the power, and certainly not because a man wanted to have sex with me. NEVER been in this position before. Very strange to be almost 24 and for this to be happening for the first time. And very strange that its happening at all. Part of me loves knowing that my body is a factor and I feel sexy. The other part of me feels slutty because I don't want to make it hard for him. Really really really I don't. Real love for someone is not doing what is good for you because it feels good, but its considering the other person and helping them make good choices too. If I always flaunt my body but hold sex out, its still not right... Oh boy. And I really do love him in my own weird way. So I want to do good for him.

In other news my eating has gone well the past couple days. I ate very lightly yesterday--didn't succeed at all liquids, but almost. And I went on a 3 mile run, which is saying a lot considering my exercise record lately. At least until I started drinking. And that's because I literally had a couple sips of a Long Beach and was already tipsy, so I shared some nachos with a friend. I didn't eat a lot of them, but enough. And then the ex's sister (who was with us) made some pasta when we got back to the house. And that was also a good choice because I sober up and don't get hungover if I eat something. Even though it was eating, it wasn't gross gluttonous eating...So today I've been yo-yo-ing between 156-155.2. Which is good considering where I was a couple days ago. Tomorrow I'm pseudo liquid fasting again... the only things I have in the house anyways are light soup, smoothies, raisin bran and some cucumbers and tomatoes. I like this, and I can do this. I might break down and have some tomatoes if I need them. But I'm looking forward to seeing a lower number soon.

So I ended up seeing ex boyfriend. He hung out with us all night, turns out. It was relatively not awkward, all things considered. I got drunk and was silly, but still basically everything was okay. Then, when we went back to their house, I slowly sobered up. He however, kept drinking. Of course I stayed over because I live 30 mins away and I always stay over if I"m there late. That's how its been since the beginning, before he and I dated. Anyways, his female roommates went to bed, all the friends left, and he went to bed too, or so I thought. I started to fall asleep and heard him get back up... He was alone on the porch smoking and drinking. I knew I wouldn't get another chance so I went out to just clear the air and make my apologies for anything I had done to hurt him in the relationship. He says I didn't. I left, and then went back out to make sure again :) and he asked me to sit down. We started talking. About everything. Talked for almost 3 hours. Sorted out all the reasons we broke up and shouldn't be together, differences in our beliefs about God, etc etc etc. Clearly he was drunk. I guess I just didn't realize how drunk. After we had talked and sorted everything out, which is all I really needed, he asked me to share the bed with him rather than sleep on the couch. Just sleep.We did that once when we were dating, and it didn't go so well--that time it was really difficult not to have sex. Anyways, I slept in the bed with him last night and this morning he started nuzzling my ear and neck. I was sort of okay with that, but when he started to hold me I told him that was a bad idea if we were gonna keep it not awkward. We had talked about that before bed, that if we were gonna do this that it didn't mean anything...

He must have been really drunk last night because he doesn't remember most of the things we talked about. And when I mentioned the cuddling thing, he said it was a bad idea that we shared a bed and that we shouldn't do it again. I kinda thought it was ok, but I also remember the entirety of the conversation and had few feelings attached to the sleeping situation. I enjoyed the little cuddling that we did, but know that we aren't gonna be together. Not being together is the greater good over any impulse feelings and emotions I may have. I just care about him as a person. I think he feels kind of awkward considering he doesn't remember most of what happened... and that sucks for me. I feel refreshed and happy and at peace with the whole situation, but I don't think he does. Which of course makes me start the cycle of worry again!

I think he still cares about me too. Again, we aren't gonna be together, and probably he knows that and feels the same. But I think he is still attracted to me. In fact, I'm almost for sure that he is. Sure, he's really horny because he's not getting any. But is it possible that I'm beautiful and wonderful and that he sees that? Somehow the fact that he wanted to have sex with me makes a lot of things better in my head, despite the complications. Are women really just this simple? Am I really just this simple? Wow. For now, everything is okay with me, I'm just hoping he and I are good. The plan is to just let it go, let it rest. Hopefully everything will come back to him... and all will be well.

So annoyed. I'm so all or nothing, so when I'm forced to eat for a holiday, why not go all out?!? Ugh. Welp, according to my aunt and uncle's scale, I was 155 all week until Thanksgiving. Which is pb at least a lb lower than mine. So I was probably in the high 156 according to mine. Anyways, I weighed in this morning at 158 after a little bit of breakfast and water, so I thought I was doing okay. I ate a little today, but not a ton. Had a slip up this afternoon with a little bit of leftovers but purged most of it. After that I have only had coffee and a cup of soymilk a little while ago. Weighed in at 159.8. Ouchie :( I took a laxative today so hopefully I will lose some of it tomorrow. And I'm liquid fasting tomorrow. I bought some smoothies at the store, some veggies, some milk, and some corona. Clearly all necessary. Especially the corona. Haha. I'm going happy houring with my ex boyfriends roommates, so I will probably have to see him. I have a couple of extra cute possible outfits planned out, but hopefully I can just avoid him. That means one cocktail only, because I am such a lightweight that if I have more than one I'll pb have to hangout for hours. Especially considering I'm only doing liquids tomorrow :) If I have to hang out from drinking too much, I'll end up having to go back to their house. And clearly that's a terrible idea if I'm avoiding the ex. I wanted to be tender and kind and be friends, but clearly the only way to get through this is to be a little bitchy and avoid him. He's not mature enough to be friends. According to his BFF, in so many words, he finds me disgusting and can't stand to be around me. Supposedly. I know this is his problem, because even though I am not as thin as I should be, I'm amazing. I was a great girlfriend with a lot to offer. Asshole. Your problem, not mine! So avoid him I will. Shut him out I will. I won't really be hurting him because that's what he wants maybe, but I will be protecting my own heart.

Maybe I won't have to see him at all. Or only breifly. That would be ok. Yay for liquid fasting!

Well, I haven't been doing too too bad til just now. I was topping 160, so I started to eat less. I've had some Starbucks, but other than than my eating has been pristine. So I got to my aunt and uncles (for Thanksgiving break) and weigh in at 155.2. I'm dying to lose, but with the busy semester I've had, I've done well to maintain... Just hoping to lose ten lbs between now and next semester. Anyways, my aunt and uncle offer me something to eat and I refuse. But they've got this bowl of candy on the table in the kitchen... I ask for a glass of milk because my stomach is killing me. After they go to bed I eat 4 mini twix and a mini pack of M&M's. And then I try and puke it up. I'm sure I got rid of a few calories and some milk came up, but GAH. I knew better than to try and puke candy up. I've got to stop purging. Really.

Mistakes happen. Tomorrow I try again. I'm dying to see 152. And then 149. And then 145. Here I come.

I’m letting it sink in that no matter how good, kind or considerate you try to be, some people will not choose to be your friend. And the better realization that follows is that while I have my flaws, it really is their loss. Yay for growing up.


Also, while I realize that being thin will not make me happy, it will make me happier than being fat. Throwing up will take away the hopes and dreams I hold on to (plus my teeth). Starving will at least provide me with the control I need. Especially since I have no control over how other people feel about me. I hate men.

Let the restriction begin. (Except for Thursday of course, where I will make good choices.)

I stopped purging. I would like to say for good, but its probably a lie. But for now I'm done. Today I starved myself. I ate raisin bran for breakfast and that's it. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed myself. I felt in control. I felt together--like I used to feel when I did it in middle and high school. I feel in control when I don't eat, out of control when I do. Even when I puke, its like getting out of control and undoing it. I know this is all basic psychology/stating the obvious, but I just wanna say it anyways.

Its just really strange that I enjoyed starving today, because I usually don't. Or haven't in a while. Thoughts of starvation are fleeting and then I get over it and don't want to anymore lately. But today I really wanted to. I want to tomorrow too. I'm having lunch with a friend who has a layover at Denver Airport. Oh well. I just need to remember how great it is to be this in control and keep it that way!

I'm fat. And I don't wanna be. I want to be in control of myself.

I puked a lot this week. And took a reasonable amount of gentle laxative. The gentle stuff that does really do anything til like 3 days after... I need to stop that soon. And the puking.

I haven't had a voice lesson in two weeks, hence the puking. Having a voice lesson is both my savior and my curse because I don't puke. But I need that mechanism in order to not gain, you know? I KNOW beyond all reasonable doubt that I would probably have to go to a clinic for bulimia if I was not a singer. Puking screws with my vocal chords so much that I can't do both. I have a voice lesson again next wednesday, so clearly I'm trying not to puke again so that I can recover.

I worry about my teeth a lot when I go through these cycles...

I miss starving. But its difficult to do when I'm teaching full time, going to grad school at night, and have no time to even lay around at all. Even on the weekends I spend as much of my time as possible lesson planning in between hanging out. Starving, for me, requires that life does not require me to be on top of my game. Part of the reason I got so heavy in college. So I try to be as vegetarian as I can right now-- as much fresh food as possible. When I stick to that, I don't gain, and even swing to the low end of my weight. But clearly I didn't do that a couple weeks in a row, as I gained.

With all the puking and laxies, I'm back down to 157. I haven't eaten much today, so I will probably be 156 tomorrow. That I can live with, I think. I'd really like to start losing again... I was 155 when I moved here. A 40 lb loss since last December. Hopefully during Christmas break I can spend some time alone, starving away :) And RUNNING! I miss running. I haven't done much of it lately. I'm so flabby. And I have no time to help that.

I'm sorry I don't update you guys much. Life is busy. First year teaching is HARD. And clearly, having only lived here since August, and already having the baggage of an ex-boyfriend... and being halfway across the country from what is comforting and familiar... Life is challenging right now. I like it here. But no wonder I've been compulsively binging and purging the past couple weeks. I shouldn't be surprised.

I love you all.

I feel crappy. Crappy because I have a cold and its dragging me down. And also crappy because I got broken up with. I'm not crushed-- we weren't right for each other. Its ok. I just liked having someone to text and go to things with. I can't believe I got hit on ONE day after being broken up with. Maybe I'm sort of cute after all. Not cute enough. I know I can be so thin if I work at this.

This morning I had my leftovers from yesterday and some coffee. Hopefully I can have the willpower to not eat anything else. If I have to eat again, I will consume only water, diet coke, and veggies. I CAN do this. I WILL be hot! I deserve this.

I've been gone a long time. Things changed when I moved to Colorado. Got so busy. I've got more than I can handle.

I was dating 4 guys at a time. Went exclusive with one for about a month. He broke up with me last night. I'm ok, it wasn't meant to be. But it sucks.

Tonight, exactly 24 hours after we broke up, I had a douchebag friend of a friend--who KNEW I just split with my bf--trying to hit on me. No big deal. But why can't I get a guy that meets my standards? They all are behind. I'm 23, I have a full time job, my own apartment, moved across the country, have a degree, going to grad school. And I can't seem to find anyone my age that has the standards I have. Go figure.

I made myself throw up tonight. I'm pushing the scale up a little bit. So done with that. I have been stagnant in my weight since I moved here. Ready to lose at least another ten lbs. No boyfriend to stop me or guilt me out of it. And then maybe I can find a guy that's worth my time.

I'm worth this. I'm doing this for myself. Oh, and by the way, I puked out all my food from the night... but I just wanna keep puking and puking and puking. I always feel that way-- its my way of self-harm, of punishing myself for not being good enough. Well damnit. I'm gonna do this. I'm back on the train. I have to not puke often because it hurts my voice and I'm still singing. But I gotta start running and starving more again. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL LOSE ANOTHER TEN LBS!

Today I would guess I have consumed around 2000-2500 calories. A whole hell of a lot. I did however, burn 1000 cals through running and the elliptical (at two different times) and also lifted weights. I worked on my arms, my shoulders, and did crunches and side crunches. I guess if you take away the number of cals I burned, it sort of was only a normal eating day. I dunno.

I really have been working out for a minimum of 1.5 hours a day, sometimes more. I've been burning typically about 600 cals a day. But I've been eating more than I should too.

I feel like I'm seeing NO results. The thing is, I can't restrict right now. Its impossible while I'm still staying with my aunt and uncle. I have to eat dinner with them at night, and they would notice if I didn't.

I'm such a lard ass. It makes me so so so so sad. Seriously the only thing I can think of to do is go to the doctor and get my thyroid tested, because even when I starve, the scale stays the same. Obviously, I wouldn't tell the doctor about my eating habits. But there has to be something there! I am more persistent than most anybody I know!

There's this little voice inside my head that frequently tells me I deserve to be fat. I'm reaping the consequences of... I guess of being me. Like, if I was better, if I was good enough, I COULD be skinny. But because I'm such a loser, it doesn't matter how much I fight, I'll always be fat. I don't know what this means. I kind of believe the voice. But I'm not giving up. Even if I could never lose another pound, I would never want to gain the weight back that I've lost. That would be a fate worse than death. But staying at this weight is also a death sentence.

Maybe I "deserve" to be fat. But I'm rebelling. I can't quit. I WON'T.

In Colorado, family still in town, and I'm getting fatter every day.

So many things I want to be in my life, and all of them involve being beautiful and wanted. You can know how my heart bleeds for it. Everything else is worthless and pointless if I can throw beauty in the equation. Don't tell me its not true. Its more true than anything else in this whole world.

Every day I begin again. Tomorrow I begin again.

Sorry I suck at updates, and haven't been good at reading either. I miss you girls. I'm in Boulder looking at apartments with the parentals and we are going to eat. Please wish me luck. I'm afraid to eat like a pig. I can't wait til I'm in my own apartment and can starve on...

I'll catch up with you all soon. xoxoxo.

I've been eating and eating and eating. Kind of inevitable with the slew of goodbye dinners and hangout times and... long roadtrips with the parents. I'm a massive cow. And my parents will be in town for several days after this...

I'm trying to decide if I should just give in for my sanity or resist and try to avoid food as much as possible. I'm getting massive. I can see the difference in the mirror. I miss running. I feel hungry. I've only eaten snacks and carbs and fast food because that's all that's been available.

I want to starve into oblivion. I keep hoping optimistically that my new life living alone will allow for this, but I know I have to stay physically and mentally strong for grad school and teaching. Can I do this?

I'm afraid of fat. I'm SO fat. It makes me sad. I so desperately want to be beautiful.

Sorry I haven't been writing... I'm leaving for Colorado TODAY. Love you skinnies, and I'll write again soon when I can get done with moving and back on the weight loss. Good luck!

I saw pictures of myself from the 4th of July. Soooo much thinner than what I used to be. But still fat. Its true. Still a whopping 155 lbs. And I ate badly today. Blame it on my period. I plan to run tomorrow, and I look forward to it.

I should be more, I should be better. But I keep working for better, not satisfied with who I am at this moment. I think its ok... I just want to wow everyone.

Somehow I let the hope sneak in that that things will be good for me. I'm just gonna share of myself again for a minute, and I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

There's so much pain in trying to believe that someone will actually love me and treasure me. I mean just think of it. Think about it. For someone to see you as a great treasure. Let those words melt in your mind, let their sweetness roll around on your tongue for a minute. I have such a hard time with men, I feel so inadequate, not ugly exactly, but not attractive or desirable in any way. I want to be delicate, pure, beautiful. I want to be needed, desired...

By contrast I am opinionated, independent, and I don't do anything that's not good for my own well being. Not in a selfish way, I just know the difference between self-sacrificing and sacrificing my life. And I'm not really that easy to live with, strong personality and all. My secret disdain and distrust for men, combined with these factors has led me to believe that I am incapable of loving, of marrying. As I type these words, I begin to believe it again, even now.

I want to be hard. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to let anyone in, not very far anyways. If I can continue to believe that I am incapable of this, I am okay. If I accept that being alone is just the way its supposed to be for me, its not as hard, you know? But I feel God nudging me to hope. Whispering vaguely and subtly in ways that make it fearful and irresistible to surrender to this hope. I want to know who I am, to choose my own path and hold fast, tightly, with no waver. I don't want anyone to have the power to hurt me. And yet I find myself succumbing, intoxicated, yet completely sobered by the promise of something so good and incontrollable. I have no control.

155.6. I ate my fiber bar this morning and the plan is to go liquid for the rest of the day. Frozen veggies if I must...

I've been reading Breaking Dawn. Soooo didn't run, read all night instead. But still lost a lb. Makes me happy.

I'm on my period too. UGH. It happens.

I've become a Twi-Hard. Recently and quickly. The newest movie was frigging amazing!

I feel like I'm in junior high. Haha.

This morning so far:

Fiber one bar- 120 cals
coffee- probably about 100 cals worth.

Its almost 1 o' clock. Going to a couple different events that involve food. I'm a little worried. The scale says 156ish right now, but I'm dying to see 154 and 153 and 152. I'd love to be in the 140's two weeks from now when I go to Colorado. My Dad may be coming to help me move and I have major anxiety about seeing him. He always criticizes my weight. Its something I'd rather just avoid with him. Can I please wear a bag over my head while he's here?

UGH.

Anyways, I'm so close to a new weight. I really think I can see 154 in a couple days, I just have to stay FOCUSED. I WANT TO BE THIN.

EDIT:

Smoothie, about 125 cals

coffee, 125 cals??

Plan for the night is to take some cut up cucumbers with me to my friend's house. And hopefully they will have veggie stuff. If I feel weak I might have some meat with NO bread. We'll see. I know it will look kind of weird if I don't eat... 

I did 7 miles tonight. I'm not gonna lie to you and act like I ran all of them, because I didn't. Probably about half or maybe 4 miles.

I have been doing a lot of running one and a half or two miles and then flaking out. I hate that so friggin much. I can't stand it. Part of it is a mental pressure thing. I am a creature of progress. I have to be accomplishing something or I just quit. So I took the pressure off and decided that I can walk as much as I need to as long as I do distance. That really helped me tonight.

One of my life goals, as I've mentioned, is to do a half marathon. Realistically, it will probably take me years and a lot of dedication to make it to where I can run 13 miles solid. One of my friends that did one recently told me that lots of people hit a wall at 10 miles anyways, and end up slowing down or walking a lot of the last 3 miles. I figure its highly unlikely that I will run a whole one anytime soon, but if I can walk and run, I think I could do one in my somewhat near future. Plus I'm moving to Colorado, the land of fruit and nuts and granola and vegan diets and healthy living. Haven't you ever heard of the Boulder Boulder?? Haha!

If you live in Colorado, and this is a misconception, forgive me! Just trust me that people are way more into healthy living there than in the south. TRUST ME.

Anyways, so my goal for my next long run/walk is 8 miles. Grrr, I'm a beast :) I can't wait til I move to Boulder where there's lots of hiking and trails, WOO!!!

I've eaten about 700 calories today and I plan to stop there. Hopefully. I am going on a run in a few mins, but I had some thoughts. I saw a post on facebook recently, where one person was saying to the other person how difficult it is to find a good man, and that's why she's not married at 34. This is what that person looks like:

I feel like a horrible person criticizing someone else, because I know how painful it can be for the world to label you just because of your weight, when there are so many other awesome things about you.

But its true. I could end the post right now and you, the reader, would understand my point.

I think I'm posting this more as a reminder and food for thought for myself, because I want to be thin. And I need to remember why, especially in my weak moments. The world judges you and reduces you to your weight. I am an awesome person with lots of potential; I am a hardworker; I am very very capable on so many levels. I don't want that to be ignored because I'm fat. I don't want to be passed over because I *look* like I have no work ethic. I don't need to make it any harder on myself than it already is.

I need to be 100 lbs.

This morning... or shall I say afternoon?? I slept and slept and slept. Guess I needed it...

Anyways, so today I had a couple spoonfuls of light cool whip, some coffee with cream, and half a vanilla muscle milk. No solids yet. I probably should. I have to poop.

I weight 160.4. Not as bad as I thought. It scared me so bad to be 163 last night. I have to know what I want and stick to it or my life is going to crash and burn.

NO PURGING, NO OVEREATING. And study study study if I want to pass these exams.

I just have to focus on what I want.

I want to be a good teacher.

I want to pass my preliminary exams for graduate school.

I want to find a great apartment.

I want to do well in grad school.

I want to be an opera singer.

I want to run a half marathon at some point in my life.

I WANT TO BE THIN.

Plan of action: Eat little and healthy, stop purging, work hard, study hard. If I can do those things, I know I can succeed. I just need to stay focused.

I am terrified by my own inability to stop eating. Really, really, really terrified.

These are the things I have in my fridge to eat as sort of safe foods:
broccoli, both fresh and frozen. Lots of it!
60 cal yogurt
lots of smoothie stuff
coffee stuff
I have some 100 cal popcorn that I accidentally left at friend's house
muscle milk
soup
A couple of 200 cal frozen dinners
light cool whip

That's basically it, I think. I don't plan to buy anymore food in the two weeks til I move.

Why can't I stop eating?

Don't I understand my life is over if I am fat?

I mentioned I purged last week... and the week before that. In my head I think that if I only purge once a week I'll be ok, but I think I can already tell that I am causing my vocal chords damage and that I MUST stop.

I'm scaring myself. I cant CONTROL. I need to CONTROL myself.

Terrified of being fat. Oh wait. I am. I have to fix that. I should be losing, not gaining.

Please help me.

I purged today.

I just can't stop eating. See food, insert into mouth. I try to have willpower but it has escaped me :(

I have been eating a lot of fiber, which slightly my saving grace... but I purged because I had already eaten dinner and was still a little hungry, so I ate a little at my friends' house, and I got so anxious that I had to come home and purge it. Then I went for a run, and flaked on that too. I hardly ever run less than 3 miles these days and I only ran 2.

It makes me feel less anxious that I purged it. I hate purging and I don't want to mess up my voice. Desperately don't. I can't make this a habit... but I think about doing it all the time!

My plan is to eat an antacid whenever I feel hungry. That will at least make the stomach acid subside... I would like to start a chicken and veggies diet and see if that helps me, because God knows I've been working my ass off and havent lost much. That's why I'm now in this predicament of lazyness and eating. Grrrrrr. God I hope I can be good tomorrow.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I could purge.

I am a bulimic at heart. So much. You don't even know.

And even just a little bit of purging screws up my voice. I have to sing a solo at church sunday. And somewhere inside me I still want to be an opera singer... even though I'm crazy for it. My brain can't seem to comprehend that I can't be fat if I'm going to do that.

I hate eating. I hate food. And yet I eat. I don't even eat a lot. But I gain.

I don't know what to do.

Kazehana, thanks for your comment... it was really helpful. Glad to know someone else relates to my feeling of wanting to eat to keep the metabolism going. Its so much easier just to not eat. Seriously so so so much easier :(

As far as that whole 'love your body and it will love you back' thing... I dunno. Please convince me that will work, because I want to believe you.

160 lbs. What the ..........? I hate myself. I'm trying so hard to resist the desire to pig out on everything. Nothing works. It doesn't matter how many miles I run or how much I starve, it seems I will be fat.

I feel like a worthless piece of garbage. It feels like I will always be fat. There are so many things going right in my life, but they matter so much less if I am not beautiful to go along with it all.

I'm massive.

The good thing is, psychologically I know when I feel out of control, all I have to do is starve to feel in control. When I think of it that way it feels easier to starve, but also like I am a stupid spoiled child. And also, I feel that if I am starving, I'm starving purely for the control, because my stupid fat ass isnt gonna actually lose weight from it. I feel so worthless.

I have been eating way more than I should, but I am running like crazy. Ran another 5 miles last night. Yesterday I ate too much but not enough for it not to be burned up by a 5 mile run. Seriously.

My period must be starting because I literally gained 5 lbs overnight. Ran tonight a little, but my body was so tired. Me and a friend ran about a mile and then walked 2. Kind of disappointing, but I think my muscles are tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. I'm trying not to freak about the fact that the scale says 160.8 at this moment. No freaking out. Just patience and hydration and little to no food tomorrow. Welll..... I might be in a situation where I have to eat dinner, but SALAD is what I will be sticking with. And hallelujah for carbonated beverages which fill one up. I know I can do this.

I HATE PLATEAUS!

Must sleep! I don't know why I do this... I just don't go to bed. I'm such a weirdo... I haven't been getting nearly enough sleep, which is certainly a cause of not losing as fast as I could!

Anyways, still hovering at 155, which is great. I would love to see 154 soon. Wanted to run tonight, but I got out of work soooo late. Monday me and a friend are running, and we're shooting for 4 miles, maybe 5 if we can.

Today I did the stupid thing and I ate. But my body cleared it out fast if you know what I mean, and obviously the scale didn't punish me. Hopefully it just boosted my metab and that was it. Hopefully.

I need to drink a bunch of water tonight and freaking go to bed.

Hoping for 154!

Quick post...

I ate a salad with too many croutons and crackers. When I am hungry, all I want is carbs. Shit.

Went out with friend, friend was hungry and wanted Sonic, so I avoided it but really wanted coffee. Talked her into Starbucks and got a grande mocha light, which is way better than Sonic's sugary crap... but still not good. Had a tiny sample of a lemon loaf from there which led to me and friend splitting one.

I dunno.... 800 cals for the day? Its so disgusting to think about eating that many cals when I really had so little and stayed so hungry...

Went to Toy Story 3 with a couple friends, and it was awesome!!! I highly recommend.

Talked friends into running 3 miles with me. I think we actually did close to 3.5, but hard to tell.

Holding steady at 155 for now. I'll take it! Planning on another extreme 5 mile run in a couple days... hopefully it will cause me to lose 3 more lbs!!

Love you girls. Thanks for the comments, too.

155 as of tonight. Not bad eating today... I ate the couple pieces of toast I mentioned and then some green beans and a salad at work. Too many croutons... eh. But I have been sooooooo hungry. Still soooooo hungry. It feels good though. Wanna run tomorrow but I'm working a double and I'm afraid I'll be horribly tired... we'll see.

The lower weight does factor in with... once again... dehydration. I can't keep water in me with the summer heat I guess. My weight fluxuated so so soooo much. I want to be frigging tiny. It takes so long and so much difficulty. But the scale is cooperating a little more than before, ya know?

In other news, thinking about being a grown up is stressful. Sure, I'm gonna have a real job, but still not very much money (they are pb gonna offer me a comparable teacher salary, but the cost of living is SKY HIGH in the area where I will live).  I'm trying to find a cheap apartment, in the $500 range, because I don't plan on living with anyone for at least the first semester/ maybe first year. And of course I have some bills I have to catch up on in the middle of this big move! Oh plus, by the way, that whole tuition thing for my master's degree :/

Wish me luck girlies. Being a grown up=scary.

Finally! This morning I was 156.0. Thank the Lord. I'm really crossing my fingers that it will STAY!!!!!!! I can't gain this back! I accidentally ate a couple pieces of cinammon toast. By accidentally I mean I lost control :( I just didn't think it through... Tonight I have to work and I will probably eat a salad or something, maybe some steamed veggies, but I will keep it VERY light. Fat free dressing and I will avoid croutons!!!

Wish me luck girlies. I may run again tonight... maybe not. Depends on how my muscles feel and how tired I am. I have to work a double tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, I got a teaching job as a music teacher in Boulder, CO for next year. SOoooooooooooooooooo psyched!!!!!

If you can possibly believe it, I have run 8 miles in two days!! I ran 5 yesterday and 3 tonight.

I think I may have successfully lost 2-3 lbs, but I'm not sure. I keep getting almost dehydrated so its hard to tell when its real or just dehydration. I'm barely eating, although I did have a little binge today, in the neighborhood of 400 cals or so. But I ran right after, so maybe my body used it up...

So frustrating... UGH! Its so much harder to lose than it used to be. I'm floating around the 155-158 mark, but I'm hoping that I will stay 156 and keep losing. I did even see 154 once today, but like I said, my scale sucks and I have been kind of dehydrated :/ I have been stuck around 158 for soo soooo long. Hopefully some of the loss is real loss.

I'm really hoping I can keep this extreme running up! If I could keep running in the 5 mile neighborhood, that would be awesome!! Even if I could only do that much once a week, but do 2-3 miles most of the other days, I'd be ok. I mean, 5 miles??? I'm really getting to what most average people consider is pretty hardcore now :)

Today has been... crazy?

Let's start from the beginning. I was on a good road having seen 155 once on the scale yesterday. This morning I weighed in at 161, after having a banana last night before bed. Before that I had eaten more than I wanted, but it was really early in the day, so I though I'd be ok.

161????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

So I ate at church, they have refreshments every Sunday... more than I wanted... but oh well. But then because I was frustrated, I went and got fast food. Uggggghhhhh. So then I went home and took some laxies, which I very seldom ever do (and these have only just begun to give me mild cramps...).

Just weighed. Back to 158.8, because I didn't eat anything at all after lunch, and ran my ass off waiting tables at work. Made a lot of money today and worked hard and didn't eat anything. I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be lighter. *Crossies*

I didn't run tonight because a) I got out of work really late and b) I have a phone interview for a teaching job in Denver tomorrow morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Super excited about this. However, I can only think about the fact that if I get an in person interview, I need to look skinny. I have to do well at this one before I even have a prayer...

Okay girls, I'm trying to do better about keeping you updated and read and comment.

Just for the record, my scale is kind of unreliable, and it gives me anything within a two lb. range. So I keep the high and low number in my head for a reference.

Today I weighed between 158 and 155.6. That's the first time I've seen 155, so I guess its sort of progress. Mostly I got 157.2 pretty consistently. I hope that's not too confusing.

My weight is creeping down, and going to bed hungry is always a good sign for me. Which I am right now. I want to eat eat eat right now though. I have seriously thought about going out and getting food. I'm craving meat. I think because I haven't had it in a few days. I've been trying to stick to only salads, yogurt and fruit. I did have a couple tiny bites of my friend's roast beef today...

I have been eating more than I want to though :( Its a hard balance. If I stay away from food completely, I can usually go a couple days without eating successfully. But my metabolism halts really fast from that. I usually try to eat in the morning to get my metab. going, but then sometimes I have stomach problems and have to eat a little something (I have a problem where the lining of my stomach gets inflamed). I try to eat salad with some croutons to soak up the stomach acid-- its what causes the inflammation-- but sometimes I go a little overboard. More than I want anyways. And always... it seems like eating breeds more desire for eating.

I would rather starve starve starve, but my body will refuse to lose and just halt on me. I know that sounds impossible to some of you, but its true. I lose best when I eat in the morning and suffer through the hunger all day, but that is really difficult (partly because of the inflammation issue). I guess its good that I'm eating lightly, at least, instead of being a pig. I just want to see freaking lower numbers, you know?? Its taking so freaking long.

I want to lose. Why does it have to be this stupidly complicated mathematical equation for me?!?! It should just be starve+exercise=lose weight, but its so much more complicated for me to actually see results. At least slow loss is better than gaining... Ugh.

As far as the running, I think I'll be able to tomorrow again. Yesterday I took a walk with my friend, but no running, and today I spent time with her. She's moving to Chicago on Tuesday and I won't see her again, maybe for years, so if it means losing a couple days of running, maybe that's just what I have to do. I'm trying to keep a balance, but she is a really close friend. I have to work all day tomorrow though, so after work I can run run run! I'm really proud that I have been getting my distances longer :)

Thank you girls for your sweetness and support. I like having you here. I know we can do this, no matter how long it takes!

Last night I ran a little over three miles, and felt really proud of myself for it. Really really. My weight is still holding steady, mostly because I have yo yo'd, but I did see 156.6 on the scale for a bit yesterday. I really want to keep going. I want to really lose. I know I can. I'm eating more than I would like, but it feels great to be running as much as I have been. I hope to run again tonight.

I still feel like a fat ass, but part of me sort of doesnt, again, mostly because of the running. I don't know. I wish it were a little easier to lose. I don't know what else to say. I wish you well my lovelies. I hope you are losing more quickly than I.

Ended up going home for three days, so Tuesday sucked too. However, today was the best I've done in a few days. I think I probably did 700 ish? No major cardio because I wanted to run but it rained, but then when it stopped I took a long walk with a friend. Not the most effective, but at least I wasn't on my butt.

I've been feeling pretty unmotivated, but I'm gonna try to curb that by the following tomorrow:

1) Call back school system about job interview
2) Clean bedroom
3) Clean car
4) Deal with library late fees
5) teach voice lesson

I'm gonna get it done. And then I have to work in the pm, and then running! Woot! And tomorrow my eating will be even better than it was today. I want to be skinny! I CAN do this!

I wanna wake-up, I wanna restart...

I don't know what happened to me. Everything has come to a screeching halt. I haven't really gained. I yo-yo between the same couple lbs, depending on what I ate. I think after monday I will restart hardcore. I just grow tired of starving starving starving and not seeing any results. I needed a break. I hate the way I look in the mirror, and that will continue until I can lose a million more lbs. I get a "wow you've lost so much weight!" comment at least twice a week, but I haven't lost enough. I'm still fat. I want to be beautiful. And desireable. I know I can never be an opera singer if I am fat. At least not the characters I am likely to be cast in (based on my voice). I know I can do this. I just have to find the strength in me to get the momentum going again. My practicing has been sucky lately too :(. At least I stopped the purging before it got out of hand though! I know I can do this. After monday! I am spending tomorrow and monday with my brother in Nashville, so after that, all will be well. I'm so ready to see the scale cooperate :)

Who's with me?

I've been sucking at keeping up with this. I miss my girls PD and GTMS-Becca, too.

New plan for me: Get up at 8 am and walk for at least thirty minutes everyday. I lost the most weight when I was doing this and restricting, so I decided that my body needs a boost first thing. Plus I need a regular sleep schedule to help me. Today I did it and so far I have had a 300 cal smoothie, some coffee and a few triscuits. I have to eat tonight, so it will depend on how well I do, but I will estimate that I will have an 800-900 cal day today. And I am running tonight- hopefully it won't rain. Wish me luck. Love you girls and I'm sorry I've been sucking at keeping this up... just been in a mental crisis because I can't lose and have no more willpower to starve. I don't seem to lose even when I starve, and that's what I care about. My weight is holding steady, only fluctuating a little bit depending on what I eat, when I have a bowel movement, etc...

Looked at pics of my friend's bday party. They are all so beautiful. Will I ever be as good as them?

I decided that I need to start running again. I'm getting flabby all over. I've been running but just not as often, but I'm gonna have to go back to everyday. I'm so lazy.

So I purged twice this week. But I wrote one of my friends an email... my old counselor actually... and told him. I know when I disclose information, I'll stop doing it. I don't want him to be disappointed. I think it worked. For now.

Today I did pretty well til the night. I didn't eat a ton but it was very bad food. I hate food.

I am weary. I can't seem to do any significant damage to the scale. I grow frustrated. My metabolism has slowed considerably since I started this endeavor. 37 lbs later, I am weary. I'm seriously considering eating light to normal and just making myself work out really hard every single day. Would that help?!? I dunno. I don't know what to do. Even starving just makes me feel miserable with very few results.

I know I sound crazy. I am. I'm so disappointed in everything I am. I'm not going anywhere fast. At least that's the way it feels today. Maybe I will be fat forever. But I have to try not to be. I know I can reach my goals. I know I can be thin. I know I can be an opera singer. I just have to keep going and keep trying. I can do this. Right now, I need to sleep.

Things I want in the world:

1) To teach next year. And live on my own, not with my Aunt and Uncle, and only with a roommate if I want them.

2)To be debt free at some point. That may be a very long time from now :(

3)To be an opera singer, and sing at the Sydney Opera House someday. Or something like that.

4)To own my own house.

5)I think I want to get married and have children. I think... Only if I actually find someone to love that won't make me miserable. My parents fucked me up way to much for me to put up with crap from anyone else EVER. It better be worth it if I'm gonna bother.

6)To weigh 100 lbs.

7) To get my doctorate. Hopefully in Vocal Performance. And if not, maybe in something else really cool like ethnomusicology or the psychology of music performance or something that requires some scholarly research. I want to either be an amazing singer or an expert at something.

8)To weight 100 lbs.

9)To maintain 100 lbs.

10)To not be fat.

11)To weigh 100 lbs.

12)To be empty. I like empty. Empty is strong. I guess that ones more of a progression though...

Dear Lovelies,

I just want you to know how much I adore you! You are awesome. I don't know why or how I have as many as I do, but you are much appreciated even when I don't comment or post for that matter.

I've been kind of sucking. I gained :( I was holding at 158 and I knew I needed a boost, a spike day. That turned into a few. And now I'm 161. Ew. That's why its scary to eat. Family stuff got in the way... and of course I can't do anythign in moderation. I always feel like "well, enjoy it because its over and you're never eating again..." Ugh. This morning I purged, and I never purge. But it was my way of getting my mind back in control, you know? I have been reading up on fasting and I really want to do a real one. Let's see how the next few days go... Hm.

I'm not giving up. I'm NEVER giving up. I will be skinny. I hope for sooner, but if it has to be later, then it just has to be. But I WILL BE SKINNY!

Ugh! I feel like I deserve to be fat! I ate lunch with my friend yesterday... it would have been weird not to... and it caused me to spiral out of control. Ice cream and cookies. The remains of which are sitting in front of me now. I'm pathetic.

But I'm done. No more. Fasting starts now. For real. I know I've said this a couple times, but really. I'M GONNA DO THIS!

Sorry I let everyone down :(

I did too much eating the past 2 days, and now I'm done. Back to fasting. I'm looking forward to it, and having control over myself. I'm sorry I'm such a sucky poster and that I don't comment much these days. Will you forgive me? I love you all. I really do.

Also many thanks to my lovely Athanasy for the lovely award :)

I'm losing. More slowly than I wanted. But I am. Just weighed. 156.4. I dunno if it counts because this morning I was 158.2 after a bowel movement, and this 156 was after drinking water and coffee all day. I know coffee dehydrates, but I was drinking a lot of water too.

Whatever. I know I'm losing, even if its not as fast as I would like. Fuck food. Starving is working. I can do this! Yahoo! I will lose lose lose. I cannot wait! I really believe if I kept this up I could be 140ish by next month. I mean... if I'm really 156 then its only 16 lbs. Which is a lot but not really...

Wow. I'm losing. I love losing weight. And therefore I love starving. There's no other way to do it.

Past few days I've been doing well til last night. I had plans to cook with a friend, but we axed those. But my favorite professor wanted to take me out to eat after the recital... I could easily say no, but you don't understand how much I love love love this prof. She's like a mother to me. Way more mother than mine has ever been. So we went. I caved and ate dinner. And that led to eating lots of junk after that. I don't even wanna list all that I ate last night.... after it I went running.

And somehow... today... 157.6. I've been going down a lb for the last 3 days, well sort of. Yesterday I teetered between 159 and 158. But how the hell did I manage this?? I'm not gonna complain. I'm so happy. I just HAVE to keep this going.

Oh and by the way, I remember again that I can never be good enough or beautiful or anything I could ever possibly want to be unless I am thin. I'm a fatass. But I will not stop until I'm thin. Food is not even a desire today. I'm too tired.

I feel like my body is shutting down. I felt tipsy most of the day... except I didn't drink. Need sleep. Need to be thin. Will never be good enough until I am.

I finally finally finally am 159. Haven't eaten basically for three days... until tonight. Baked some cupcakes for my friend's graduate voice recital... didn't eat one!!! Although I did kind of lick some icing and batter... it wasn't that good. But I didn't eat a lot of it!

I drank a 150 cal breakfast shake and had a salad with feta and italian dressing. I was at my friend's house baking and she kept offering food etc. Oh, and I had half a homemade dinner roll. Whatev. I'm so tired I couldn't care less about anything.

I am so tired and emotionally and mentally spent that I have a general feeling of anxiety and guilt and fear and disappointment and can't tell you exactly why. And I don't have any time to deal with any of it. I need to sleep. And have a freaking day off for all day long. At least I have most of the evening off tomorrow... SLEEEEEEP!!!

I wanna lose. I am such a fat cow. I'm doing better... I lost a lb, but how freaking long have I been stuck?? I should have lost 20 by now.

Soooo tired.

My darlings! I missed you!

Ladies, I'm sorry I abandoned you. I took a little "break." I was sucking so bad at everything, but I'm back and ready to starve on. I missed you, but I was still reading!

I dunno how much commenting I will be doing, but I'm gonna keep up as best I can!

Love you all!

What must it be like to be beautiful? All I feel is ugly and fat. What must it be like to be so naturally thin and gorgeous?

Or even to be pretty and average size? Nope. Instead I am destined to be fat. I can't control my eating. I'm so out of control. I need a buddy. One of my buddies quit on me. The other one lectures me all the time and anytime I ask for help and motivation, she gives me the bullshit that she doesn't wanna help me get sicker.

Bullshit. I'm not sick. Unless sick=fat. And then I'm pretty close to terminal.

What is it like to be pretty? Will I ever know? Even when I am good, my weight seems not to budge. I run. I restrict. The scale doesn't budge.

What is it like to be pretty?

Yesterday I ate and ate and ate. Today I fast. I feel like a huge cow. Hopefully my metabolism will cooperate and lose.


I have to go to a birthday party tonight. Salad only. Right now I'm going to work out. I have major anxiety about looking good at this party, even though I won't, because I never do, because I'm fat.


I hate myself.

I'm not gonna lie... I hate myself.

I purged the other night. 2nd time. I'm gonna fuck my vocal chords up so bad I will never ever be able to sing. But you can't be fat and be an opera singer anymore. At least I can't.

I'm scared. I've gotta stop purging. I've gotta stop eating. I gotta lose weight. I HAVE TO!!! I can't even explain to you...

I feel so much sadness about singing and grad school and next year. It feels like my dream is dying. I love being a teacher. But everything pales in comparison to what I feel to have lost. I don't even know what I want, what I expect, but it feels like I am average and I have failed and that door is closed to me forever. Am I wasting time, wasting myself, wasting my voice away? Is there still a chance that someday I will get to perform? And if there is, I shouldn't waste one minute of now, of this summer. I should be practicing, but instead I lay around and brood. Because I don't know the answers to those questions.

I worked my ass off in college to do the thing I wanted most. And it didn't work. At least not for now. I feel horrible.

***

A couple of my friends talked me through it...  I'm feeling a little better.

Still fat though. More on that another time.

Went and worked out for over an hour. Pb burned 600 cals I think?

Came home and weighed... I think I had been dehydrated, and I drank water throughout the workout, so I was 160.6. Pb influenced by the water.

I was gonna eat just a couple boiled egg whites and be done. Nope. Beef stew. A little chicken and rice. And an egg. Shit.

No eating the rest of the day. Had already taken half an exlax...

And I will pb make myself run at least a little tonight. I'm a fat ass. And I MUST get this weight off!!!

I probably would have been 159 today. Last night I weighed 160.8. Then I went to my friend's house and they had all this food because they had several people over. I had already committed to staying the night because of some drama at my apartment.

I get really bad heartburn if I am fasting or hardcore restricting, pb cause I drink too much coffee :( So I eat antacids, and if I still have pain I'll have a couple crackers or a low cal piece of bread or something.

I asked for a cracker. They gave me pizza. I ate two pieces. They didn't make me eat it, but I was weak. Then I wanted some chocolate since I had screwed it up, and they obliged. I'm sure I ate 1200 cals. Isn't pizza like 400 cals a slice or something? And then chocolate?

Well, I just weighed. I don't know how the HELL I still lost. I'm 160.0. All I feel is fat. I'm going to the gym.

What the hell??

I got up an hour before I was supposed to, weighed- 161.6.

Got up and weighed right before leaving for work- 162.0.

Had some coffee and one piece of 35 cal bread. Just weighed. 160.4.

I don't know how or why. But I want to be in the 150's worse than ever. And this time I do NOT want to yo-yo back up.

Sorry. In my last post I meant to say that my Ultimate Goal is 100, with 140 being what I wanna weigh before Colorado.

Tonight after my run I was 161.6. I am gonna drink a bunch of water tonight and see if I can shift some of my water weight. Dehydration actually makes you retain as much as possible until your body gets enough... So if I drink enough, I shouldn't have this problem. I ate more than I wanted today. I think I ate 650 which isn't bad, but I'd so love to just run on nothing. I want to be EMPTY.

I'm desperate to lose, to be in the 150's as soon as possible, but I'm worried my body will rebel and I will stay fat. I'm afraid...

I'm gonna drink a ton of water and go to freaking bed. Hope I'm lighter tomorrow. *crossies*

162.4 this morning. Gained 0.2 from last night. I don't know how that's possible, unless its all just water weight shifting. Whatever, I'm not gonna think about it.

I'm really afraid I'm gonna get to July when I move and I'm not gonna be 140. That's my goal. Its three months away. I am afraid I'm gonna still be grappling with the 150's. Its been such an uphill struggle since I lost the first 20 lbs. They came off in a month's time and I've been struggling ever since. Oh, I also may see my Dad in July, he's coming from Puerto Rico to the states for vacation, so he was gonna try to make it here... My Dad always has something to say about my weight.

I just need to lose 20 lbs in three months. Obviously I will want to lose more... my ultimate goal is 140, but before I leave for my new home...

Well,  just weighed at 162.2. I ran for about 25 mins tonight and it was so difficult because I've only run once since I got back from Ohio, and it was only a half a mile. I was with a friend and she was getting sick so I didn't want her to push herself too bad. Long story.

I would have had an amazing day calorie wise but I had a rehearsal about 30 min away, and my teacher happens to sing in the same group, so me and a friend carpooled with her. She wanted to take us to Thai food. I tried to resist eating, not hungry, etc, but they made me feel ultra weird... And my teacher is awesome and she pb just wanted to treat me.

I really, really wanna lose. Badly. I need to start carrying my antacids around with me to help with stomach and hunger pains. I will be so happy when I finally get into the 150's. But I still have a looong way to go before I am not disgustingly fat.

Guys, I have a confession. I purged last night. I haven't purged in a very very very long time, and I don't like to do it, and I know it will mess up my voice. I will be nobody if I can't sing. I don't know who I am when I can't sing... its weaved into who I am. I just lost control and had a relatively small binge on leftover lasagna, but I just couldn't handle it anymore so I purged. It def snapped me back into restricting today except for the whole Thai food thing...

Anyways, I'm super hoping to be 161 in the morn. Wish me luck. Love you all.

So today I had some screw ups, but considering how I've been doing, it wasn't a fail. The important thing, I always feel, is that I go to bed hungry. I didn't get to run because the weather is very very bad right now. The blessed moment I go out there it will start to rain. Just my luck. So I guess no running tonight :(

I had a moment tonight at work, after scarfing down a salad, where I decided that I was a greedy fat kid and that I didn't deserve to eat. Its true. I want to fast because when I start eating I just screw it all up. If I never start, its a lot easier. But I'm always so afraid of making my metabolism slow. So sooo afraid of that. Because basically, it works for me to only eat right before I exercise. Mentally that works. But that's how I got myself locked into the same weight for a week without a budge.

I need a fresh start. I'm gonna go weigh myself and see the moment of truth.

166.4. It doesn't really count because its night and I've eaten today, but that gives you an idea that I've gained at least some. My weigh was holding pretty steady at 163.8 for that one week, and then I already told you what it was the other day.

The new plan is to get into the 150's asap. I anticipate that I'll wake up 165 tomorrow morning. When I first started I was working out first thing in the morning and only eating about 300-400 cals a day. Walking in the morning was really, really good for me. That's what I need to start doing. It was working. I know I can do this.

I am a greedy fat kid who doesn't deserve to eat. And I know I can be amazing, I just have to starve the fat kid. I will do this!

2nd post within an hour...


I really want to show myself how in control I can be today, and this week. I am in control of myself. Of my eating. Not anything else, and that's ok. But my eating, my body? YES. And I will be today.

It seems life is crazy for all of us... It is the end of April after all. April and May are by nature just a very busy time of year with exams, school programs, field trips, picnics, etc etc etc. I notice a lot of you aren't posting/commenting or apologizing constantly and profusely for not doing these things much. I guess I must do the same, because I've been sucking.

I just can't stop eating.


Its like the floodgates opened. I'm working on regaining control of my mind though. Part of it is that my roommate has a lot of junk in the house right now because one of her friends had a bday party that she threw.

Nothing matters but being skinny. I've gained. I will keep gaining if I dont put a stop to this. Nothing matters but being skinny. NOTHING. Because everything else is attached to it. I will continue to be a fatass forever if I don't fix this. I saw some embarrassing pictures of myself from this week when I accepted my award. Gross.

I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. And I want to be thin. So there's no option but to Control.

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this. I've been a little off this week. Lots going on, but not really any motivation towards anything. I received an academic honors award through my dept. Since I graduated in Dec, it was a little weird, but they only do them by academic year right before May graduation. They hold an honors chapel to let all honors students be recognized and certain people get to speak and a couple get to perform. They asked me to sing of course. And then the award presentation was later in the afternoon. I received the Vocal Performance Award. Which of course, even though I was Music Ed, is the award I wanted. My teacher got to present the award and she said soooo many wonderful things about me. It was awesome. And I tripped over myself going up the stairs to the stage and coming back down. That was awesome too (not).

Since the one time a couple of weeks ago I haven't been able to get back down to 160. My weight has floundered around but hasn't really budged overall. For almost a week, even though I was doing everything right and running I wasn't losing. And then I got really busy and went out of town and ate sooo much and really still didn't gain. Not considerably.

I've been back for 2 full days and tried to restrict and both days I ended up just eating and eating. And I've only gained 0.4 lbs back. Really weird, but I'm grateful. Now I'm just trying to find the psychological motivation to start really doing this again. I know I could bust the 150's and this plateau if I set my mind to it.

Dear Lovies,

I'm BACK!! I weighed this morning on my friend's mother's scale before I left, and it seems I haven't really gained since Friday, which is funny because I've been eating normally since then. Today I ate ALOT. But I'm not thinking about it. Tomorrow I go back to hardcore restriction and running running running like there is no tomorrow. And I'm looking forward to it. Tonight I'm very tired from driving all day!

Lunch with my friend on Friday (the one I was freaking about) went well. I felt pretty, but upon inspection of a couple pictures, looked fat. Oh well, what can I do? Just keep working at it. I really think my metabolism had gotten really complacent and not running/eating for several days will kick it back into high gear I hope. I don't really know what else to do... So now the eating is done again. I'm looking forward to being skinny, and I WILL BE SKINNY! Mark my words. Even if it takes me longer than I'd like. My bff in Ohio raved about how thin I was looking, and her mom said something about it too... but they haven't seen skinny outta me yet!

Back to my friend from Friday's lunch, I know I had mentioned before that he was my counselor awhile back. He is someone I am so so fond of. He kept telling me how proud he was of me, and I think he is so sweet for that. I really have strange feelings for him, because I'm not in love with him, and yet I wish I could be closer to him without it being so improper. Does that make sense? Its hard. I have been emailing back and forth with him in the two years since he stopped being my counselor, but now I know its time to take a step back. I will email him once every few months, but I need to let it go. He has been so dear and precious to me, and I'm not letting the relationship go completely, but I am letting it breathe and letting more time go in between contact. Its just sad... I wish he was my Dad or something. He's so sweet and wonderful.

So many chapters in my life are closing. I am really scared about moving to Colorado, but hopeful that something wonderful is gonna happen. It just has to. The fat chapter of my life is closing, too. I'm gonna be skinny! I am. I'm sorry I've been sucking at keeping you guys updated this week and last week. Food abounded, and so did busyness. But maybe now I can get back on track.

Love you all!

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry I've been sucking at posting... I'm going to see my bff a few states away this weekend so I won't be posting, but hopefully I'll get to catch up with you/ catch you up on me soon. Thanks so much for the sweet comments-- you guys are so wonderful!

Love you all! Stay skinny (because I won't while I'm busy visiting for the weekend :{ ) !!

Freak Out

 First off, I apologize to Sottile because you totally tagged me and I suck and haven't had the chance to answer questions yet :( but I'm having a major freak out and need to write about it.

Lots of sleepless nights and wasted days I've been having. Anxiety about so many things. The one thing that sucks about being graduated is that I have way too much extra time on my hands to worry about things I either can't do anything about or am procrastinating. Ugh. Even with four part time jobs, believe it or not I still don't have enough to do. I am used to never having time for anything. And now I have so much time. You'd think it'd be time I could use to get skinny. But no. I work out. I run. I restrict. And still the scale gives me an unfavorable (and might I add, DISGUSTING) number.

My friend, the counselor one that I talked about a few posts ago? We're having lunch on Friday. Not just me and him so it won't be awkward-- we're including another female psychology prof that we both happen to know and like. His idea and a wise one. Solves the problem of appearances, eases some of the problem of lull in the conversation, eases awkwardness and any tension. He didn't say that but I know its the reason.

Anyways, I'm freaking out. Freaking. Out. Wigging. Out. Totally. I am too fat. And he's a man. And it doesn't matter that I'm not trying to lure him into bed. He's a man. And therefore I am not good enough to look at. Not good enough to look at or be friends with or be seen with or be an adoptive daughter of sorts (which he has said I am before)... Not good enough. Not thin enough. Too fat. Not good enough.

And you know... I know that weight loss is just gonna have to be slow and steady if I would like to stay alive and function. And I could be okay with that, sort of, as much as possible. But I don't have anything to wear. I don't look good in anything, even after having lost 30 lbs. Not enough. Not thin enough. Why can't I just be a little bit pretty? Just for one day? Need a smaller waist. For one day.

But no. I'm a fat cow. And men can't be bothered with me and my disgusting mediocrity that hangs in bags and rolls around my body. Please just approve of me. Tell me I'm good enough. Please. PLEASE. I need that from my father so desperately. I need that from this man since my father won't give that to me. I need it from a man who's gonna love me and marry me and not leave me for someone else. I'm so screwed up. Men give me so much anxiety. So much. They make me sad... they are the root of all my problems, all my deep seated pains and hurts.

Just let me be good enough for one day. PLEASE.

Dear friends...  will catch up on your lives soon. Experiencing the drunkenness I've been desiring for about a week. I feel great! Love you all for your comments! You are the greatest. I love you.

BTW, Charlie K, I'm having major problems commenting you :( I've tried various times and there's something wrong w/ your comment box and so we can't do the word verification thingy. You might wanna go in settings and change the format of the comment box or something...

Who am I and what am I doing? Believe me when I tell you that I'm not entirely sure. Strike that. Not sure AT ALL.

Woke up at 164.0. Last night I was 163.8. After running. I've been eating next to nothing and running and still hovering at this number. Except for a couple days ago when I binged... I just don't know what to do. How is it possible that this number keeps going up?!?

New strategy today. Eat lightly, but eat breakfast and lunch. I haven't been. I think my metabolism is refusing me because when I finally do eat, its right before my run.

So frustrating. And still don't know who I am about this grad school stuff/ singing and otherwise...

Addendum/Clarification to the previous

I just have to clarify that I'm venting right now because I'm sad. I don't know how any of you feel about God, or if it weirds you out that I talk about him. But I have to tell you that even despite all of my issues, He has always been so good to me.

I rant and rave about how fat I am, how I can't understand why God made me this way, why I can't have what I want in life even though I've worked so hard. But even when I don't understand, I know that he is good. He has always taken care of me. I'm so screwed up. I know I am. This starving/ binging thing I do isn't the best. Self-deprecation, not really the most holy thing ever.

I'm all messed up. And so so soooo human. And I've ripped open my chest, and all of you are getting to see my raw, fleshy, wounded, bleeding but still beating heart. And even though I'm terrible and spoiled and selfish and such a brat, and even though I'm so confused about my life, and even though I'm sad...

and even though I'm not ready to stop starving myself to deal with my fat and and my problems...

God is still so good and so kind to me. And tender. And patient. And I hope maybe you can feel him being the same for you.

Sad

Today was emotionally a really hard day. I'm still in a horrible limbo about what to do with my life. I know I keep talking about it and I'm sorry if I'm boring you. This is my LIFE, my DREAMS and my whole existence that feels like its hanging in the balance.

I want to be an opera singer more than I've ever wanted anything. And I've worked really hard. And its not materializing the way I want it to. I want to control my destiny, but instead, patiently God directs my path. And I'm not loving where its going. It hurts to let go of the things you feel you should have, and just hope that maybe later you'll get what you need/want. God is confusing like that. Right now I just have to trust that maybe he loves me tenderly enough to want good things for me, and I just can't see the big picture. I feel like I will die if I can't sing.

Now all of this is a lot to deal with from someone that obviouly has control issues. When ever I feel like I lose control of my life, I lose control of food. Big time. Today I binged and I don't even want to talk about what I ate. Its done. Can't purge it. Can't do anything. All I can do now is starve on and hope to turn it around.

I feel lost and found at the same time. I know its all gonna be ok, but I can hardly contain my emotions right now. Honestly, on top of everything else, I can't understand why God didn't make me thin. I can work around it, I can make myself be thin (Just watch I WILL!!) but why do I have to struggle when other people just get what they want? Why does it have to be like that? Why is it fair?

Here is my beautiful, perfect friend for some real girl thinspo. I aspire to be as beautiful and perfect as she is.

I'm so sad. And so fat. I won't wallow in it though. I refuse to wallow. Instead, I will charge on with the gifts that I've been given. And I'll be good at teaching. I'll be a GREAT teacher. And I will STILL be good at singing and hope and pray that maybe I'll get the opportunities that I long for someday.

AND I WILL BE THIN!!! NOTHING WILL STOP ME.

Feel like a fat ass today. A big huge fat ass. Too too too much fat. Not nearly thin enough, not even close. Hate this weather. Sleepy. Don't wanna go to work. That's all.

Post about someone really special to me.

A friend of mine is coming into town. Someone really, really special to me. He is the very first counselor I ever had, started seeing him here at school and I saw him for a whole year. I fell in love with this man. Not in the erotic/sexual sense. He is just the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met in my entire life. He's everything my father isn't that I've always wanted him to be. And he's everything I want in a husband, if I can ever find one...

So basically, I saw him for a year through my university but he was in the Army Reserve, and they called him into active duty in another part of the US. He was supposed to come back after a year, when I graduated, but he didn't because the Army didn't let him. He was supposed to come back after the second year, but he can't again. Now I am graduated and moving to Colorado, when he is in DC. And when he finally does come back to work at my University, of course I'll be long gone.

The thing I must tell you about this man is that now that he's not my counselor, I have a really special mentor/father figure relationship with him. We have emailed back and forth for the two years since he's been gone and on several occasions he has expressed that he is equally fond of me. (Now don't get the wrong idea, he is married, has kids my age etc, and I would never cross that boundary. I just really really love him. Its so special.) I know that its really unusual to have outside and further contact with a counselor after treatment, so I take it as really special and a high compliment that he cared enough to keep returning my emails. In fact, when he left, he asked me to keep in touch with him to begin with. He's told me before that he sees a lot of  himself in me when he was my age.

So he's coming into town next weekend. I'm seeing him in like a week and a half. And of course I am pretty stressed about the fact that I am still fat. I want to lose as much as possible. I know its retarded, because like I said, there's nothing weird and romantic between us, I just have major anxiety issues about men in general and them approving of me as a person and that includes being thin.

Okay. That was definitely a run on. But you get it. I'm completely out of my mind. I just want men to love me and approve of me. Think I'm wonderful and beautiful. I don't want to use sex against them in any sort of inappropriate, manipulative way. I just want to be good enough. Not a disappointment like I always am to my father. And maybe if some of the men I know are satisfied that I'm okay and enough and a good girl and sweet and pretty... maybe someday I'll have a chance of a prayer of getting married to a wonderful man just like this one that I adore so much. I'm wounded in this way. I'm forever not enough, not good enough, not thin enough, and so I'm bleeding. And hoping maybe I can lose enough weight in a week and a half to have a good visit with him.

Screw up

Welp, I screwed it up. I only ate cucumbers and carrots the whole day, with coffee of course. Throughout the day my weight only went down half a pound. Tonight I was supposed to go running with this girl who is super hard core. I mean like big time distance runner. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up because I've been barely eating and felt kinda weak today.

In my stupidity and anxiety, I knew I would have to eat soon if I was even gonna try to keep up. So I ate a poptart because it was the most readily available. I was thinking that most poptarts are 250 cals per package. STUUUUPPPPIIIIIIDDDD. 400 cals. Big mistake number 1.

Mistake number two was that I was still feeling weak and hungry, so the logical thing was to go to Taco Bell with friends, OF COURSE. Already blew everything to crap, anyways. Turned out I didn't run with my friend, but I did run by myself. I had a pretty good run, and I am amazed that I can run further and further, and be less and less tired. I find right now that I can run much further in one stint (without walking in between) than I give myself credit for. I just haven't really gone for it yet. Probably mostly because I know that if I do it once, I will want to do it everytime. And that just isn't really practical, you know? You can't go for the gold every time, every freaking day because you will burn yourself out mentally, at least. That's one thing I've learned in all of my perfectionism and depression and anxiety and all the other things I've struggled with while in college. So I do my best and my best keeps getting better and better everytime I run. Probably what seems like a big deal this week will be old hat by next week. Looking forward to that feeling :)

As for the scale... I will probably not even weigh tomorrow. Its so toxic for me to weigh after a couple days of unfavorable results and screw ups. I made some major rookie mistakes today. So I'm taking a break from it for a couple days, in hopes that when I go back I will see some variation of the 150s. I am gonna try to stick to fruits and veggies and liquids tomorrow. Hope it goes well. I have to work (wait tables) tomorrow night and I usually end up eating more than I want to out of anxiety/boredom/annoyance/frustration and etc. I hate waiting tables. Maybe one day I'll have a salaried job that helps me make enough money to live. That'd be great.